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The exploits of Dawn Eden
 
Saturday, January 31, 2004
The Church as "God's Obstacle Course"

Jim of Brainwaves has some wonderful observations on church membership that are worth publishing in their entirety:

I long ago came up for a definition for "church": It is God's obstacle course. Survive twenty years and you're ready for heaven.

Thirty years ago, in my own assembly, they were walking women back outside if they dared to show up wearing britches. We've had people show up at administrative meetings and given the right to vote on pastoral election, then never darken our door again. Our present pastor was voted in some twenty-five years ago by one vote. One of the deacons, immediately afterwards, was so elated about the event, he declared "Let's take a vote to see if we accept the vote!" Women, by the way were not, at the time, allowed to vote. They were given that right within that first year after he was elected; then he and a head deacon sat down, rewrote all our church bylaws and decided there would be no more elections.

We grew along the way from a congregation of around 300, "catching" 150 on any normal service, to over 3,000, "catching" around 800 on any Sunday evening. The enlargement was mostly a matter of walking away from much old-time legalism (We still believe in most things. We just don't enforce it with a hammer as they enter the foyer.) People still, however, go out the back entrance at about the same speed as they walk through the front one. While we have "powerful" worship service, "politics" gets most somewhere along the way. To me, it's always reminded me of our government: The basic idea is a good one, but the minute you package it with someone at the helm and give it a board to regulate it, the human equation takes over.

It's all about Christ, not the Church. If, indeed, Jesus meant for the Body to be so constructed within an institutional authority, then the only purpose I have ever determined for it is the Old Testament adage: Iron sharpeneth iron. You grow as you go. You make it by focusing on Him.

You may wonder why I yet attend this assembly. It is where I was "birthed" and "planted" over 32 years ago. It is a good church. It is just not the same one I started out in...and that has both its "ups" and its "downs." My one daughter and her family yet attend there with us, and her two boys are enrolled in its school. I have many friends there, I yet believe in the pastor's heart, and I really see nothing else out there that's any different. It is "the Church". Above all that, however, I have heard no voice, no "prompting" by God's Spirit to do anything other than "hang in there" for now. And that is what's important: God's voice.

May He lead you in your search. Listen with your heart.

1:09 AM  |

Friday, January 30, 2004
Hungry Hearts

Discussion of the velvet-rope communon issue has moved temporarily to manasclerk's blog, The Power Struggle. Needless to say, I don't agree with all the sentiments he expresses, but he's a good and thoughtful writer, and it's helpful for me to read another point of view.

I think what's missing from manasclerk's discussion is an acknowledgement of the velvet-rope problem at churches in general, and not just as expressed in churches' rules over who may receive communion. I can't side at all with people who believe, as a few readers have written to me, that churches are not necessary. However, it's clear that some churches' exclusivist attitudes, as expressed in seemingly petty and parochial practices, turn off a lot of people. For example, my friend Rick writes that he'd considered joining a Redeemer-affiliated church, only they insisted all new members take a "membership class." He was quite well-read on Protestant Christianity and Presbyterianism, and had attended the church in question for some time, so he was offended by the idea that he would need a class in order to be part of the community.

I did get one e-mail from Jim of the Brainwaves blog that was notable in that he used his own experience to show the benefits of sticking with one church over time, even it means putting up with a lot of foolishness. I'm currently awaiting word from him on whether I can use it.

Speaking of waiting, I notice that the Village Church member who had asked to be anonymous on my blog is responding openly on Manasclerk's. He's accepted my offer of publishing a signed response from him here, so I'll publish it when I receive it.

UPDATE: Rick adds to his comment about the Redeemer-affiliated church's class requirement: "It's not so much that I'm offended at the notion of taking a class as the notion of taking yet another elementary class. My business school extended me the courtesy of skipping their business law class because they noted that I had already been though law school. Why can't my Christian brothers extend me the same courtesy?  Many churches offer membership by means of letter of transfer. 

"That said, I do think it's important to be part of a Christian community.  Redeemer may be a bit obnoxious about saying it, but it is true that it is helpful to attend church on a regular basis and also to have a small bible (or Christian apologetic) study group." 
3:51 PM  |

It's All About Herman

Hermits singer Peter Noone, who now calls himself "The Artist Formerly Known as Herman," likes to tell a story that takes place in 1966, when he was recording at Abbey Road, just upstairs from the Beatles. It's one of those classic, possibly apocryphal legends of the pop world.

He often crossed paths with the Fab Four—in fact, he says, they used to steal the Hermits' gear. But nothing could prepare him for the day when, as he tells it, he was sneaking a peek at some tape boxes when he saw something so wonderful he could hardly believe it.

He rang up his manager right away, unable to contain his wonder: "The Beatles wrote a song for me!"

It was only later that he realized his mistake. The song, which turned up on Revolver, was "For No One."

I'm thinking about that right now because I haven't written any entries this week about my personal life. I keep trying, but it just comes out "all about me." Which I'm afraid, unless I can find a way to relate it to something outside my own comings and goings, is interesting "for no one."

Ah, who am I kidding? I'm just coming back down to good old everyday life after getting the star treatment last week on "Style Court."
3:09 AM  |

Thursday, January 29, 2004

UPDATED—Velvet Flock

Three e-mails arrived yesterday from two different readers about my experience with the velvet-rope communion of the Village Church (first described here, and followed up with posts such as this one). Neither of the readers expressed a desire to be quoted, but the things they wrote affected me, so I'm going to paraphrase them without referring to their names or genders.

The first was a good friend who said that my experience reminded them that their negative experience of Manhattan churches killed their belief in the importance of regular worship. That's a horrible thing, made even worse by the fact my recent experience makes me sympathetic. I'm not that turned off by Manhattan church worship yet, and I hope I'll never be, but my friend's statement was a validation that the velvet rope in some churches is more than just a communion exclusion—it's an overarching attitude.

That attitude was sadly brought home to me via two e-mails by a person claiming to be a member of The Village Church. I believe the person was indeed a member because they person said they got my e-mail address from a church elder to whom I gave my card after the service. This person specifically requested not to be quoted. However, since it is the only response I have received from The Village Church, I would like to share two of the assumptions the writer made.

The writer assumed from my posts that I was not a baptized Christian, and that I was not a former member of a church who was seeking a new church home. Rather, they assumed I was gaily flitting about from church to church, wanting to get the benefits of communion without becoming part of a community.

Now, this church has already gotten my dander up, and I suppose it's not really worth allowing anything more from it to get under my skin. But I can't understand how anyone, least of all a Christian, has any business assuming that I or anyone else lacks baptism credentials, simply because they are not current members of a church.

Likewise, I can't see how anyone could assume that because I make a stink about not being allowed to partake in communion, I must not be a "serious" church seeker. Wouldn't it be the opposite? Wouldn't a person who deeply desired to partake a communion really be thirsting for community with fellow Christians?

I almost feel like, on the left-hand side of this blog, I should lay it all out by writing something like, "The blog of Dawn Eden, a baptized Christian who belonged for a year to a lukewarm local church and left it when she realized she needed greater orthodoxy, and is now sincerely seeking a church home, so please let her through your stupid velvet rope."

UPDATE: I just received a third e-mail from the Village Church member, which was more understanding. According to this member, by my being baptized and a former member of a church who is seeking a more orthodox church, I would have been eligible for communion there. However, I still could not have possibly gotten that impression from the language of their program or the words of the presiding elder who called the congregation to the communion table. Both specified that communicants must be not just baptized believers, but current members of church congregations under a pastor's care.
3:01 PM  |

UPDATED WITH "GREEN CHRI$TMA$" LYRICS LINK—Born Freberg

When I put my Stan Freberg articles from 1996 up on Gaits of Eden last year, I exhorted Freberg fans to bug me so that I would transcribe and post the entire interview I did with the comedic genius.

Although hundreds of people have viewed the pieces since then, I guess none of them are the bugging type, so the interview remains untranscribed. I have, however, found a partial transcript of some Freberg quotes that didn't make it into the finished articles, so I'll share some of them with you here today. In Freberg's words:

"Without the element of humor, satire would just be pure preachment, a man up on a soapbox yelling at you in the park. I realized that humor is what makes good satire palatable. Over the years, I've tried to keep that in mind. A decade after I began making my living as a satirist, I read in a book by Samuel Johnson that it is the satirist's duty to blow away the absurdities of mankind on a gust of ridicule.' And I said, 'Gee, nobody ever taught me that, and that's what I've been doing perfectly all this time [laughs].'"

He discusses "Green Chri$tma$," which is like no comedy record that that came before, in that it uses music to further the narrative [if you're not familiar with that classic indictiment of Christmas commercialism, its lyrics are here]: "I listen to that now, and it's like I did it last week. I'm amazed that it holds up all these years."

"The interesting thing is that after that record, both Coca-Cola and Marlboro came to me to do ad campaigns. And this is after the president of Capitol, Lloyd Dunn, said, 'Well, I'll tell you one thing, Freberg. You'll never work in the advertising business again.' I was just getting started in the field."

He adds that he turned Marlboro down because he's never done any cigarette ads. He was turning them down before it became fashionable.

Once he had made a name for himself in the advertising world, he was invited by Harbus, the Harvard Business School's magazine, to lecture there: "I talked about the Proctor & Gambolian approach to advertising, the idea that you have to beat people over the head. I call it the 'Invasion of Normandy' technique, driven by all that money that Proctor & Gamble and General Foods spends. The viewer sits there, night after night, trying hard not to pay any attention to advertising, but wave after wave of commercials are directed at his forehead. Finally, the tanks are able to drive in over the dead commercials on the front of his forehead and establish a beachhead in his brain.

"The students cheered me, and yet, at the Harvard Business School, they teach that that's the way to advertising, to use wave after wave of 'weight,' as they call it."
As you can see, Freberg was just a delight, perhaps the most enjoyable and intellectually stimulating interview I've ever done.

I haven't heard anything about him in the past year. He was supposed to do a concert at Feinstein's, but he cancelled—twice. If you've heard anything about how he's doing, please let me know.

Should you wish to read the rest of my Freberg interview, bugging remains necessary, as it'll take me a few hours to transcribe the whole thing. E-mail dawn -at- dawneden.com, replacing the -at- with an atsign. Bug early. Bug often.
2:35 AM  |

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

He's Dead, Jim

Visiting William Shatner's home page, I noticed a tantalizing link: Bring Back Kirk. I clicked on it, expecting to find a page urging that Shatner return to television or film as his beloved "Star Trek" character.

The actual site is a little different. Its organizers want Kirk to return from the dead because he didn't die the right way the first time. In essence, they believe he died ignobly. They want him to return, not so he can die again, but so that his story may have a glorious and peaceful ending.

Please read the site and flip back here so you'll see I'm not exagerrating.

Personally, I want a hero who's willing to die ignobly. But I agree that He should return in glory and in peace .

(Hat tip to Julie for the Shatner link.)

5:32 PM  |

A Wafer Peace

Since I wrote about being confronted by the "velvet-rope" communion at The Village Church last Sunday, I've received many helpful and edifying e-mails from readers on the subject of churches' allowing or disallowing nonmembers from partaking in the Lord's Supper. The responses have helped me gain a better understanding of what's out there as I seek a church home.

Julie writes, "I've been to a few churches that require a membership angle. I don't understand it."

She says that she and her family have been faithful attenders of the same Evangelical church for nearly 30 years and are committed to supporting the church, but not one of them is a member. "I asked my parents about this, two very Godly people, and my mother didn't really say more than saying it wasn't necessary to be a member. They were committed to supporting this church and that was enough. On the other hand, I've seen a couple of people join with great pomp as members of the church...and be gone in a year. Some not on good terms."

"Our church only requires that you be a follower of Christ, and have your heart right towards God and others before you take communion," Julie continues. "I don't know of any place in the Bible that requires you to be a member of a specific denominational church body. We are to be members of a greater body, and do so by following Christ. The membership angle seems like another human trapping, a way to achieve control in some way even though it should not be that way.

"Saying I do not need an official "document" to prove my committment to a church sounds a bit like the argument people use regarding getting married: it's only a piece of paper. My only answer to that is that I don't know of where the Bible lays out the specifics for 'officially joining' a church body, or that that would have anything to do with taking part in communion."

On a similar note, ireneQ writes: "In your place, I might have partaken anyway. Some rules are simply man-made. Paul merely adjured us to 'examine ourselves' before partaking of communion. There were no other rules. The person obviously had to know what he was doing and be a believer, but that was about it."

While I'm in agreement with Julie and Irene, Manasclerk, an out-of-towner who recommended the Village Church to me, describes his own, sharply different views on his blog. I'm grateful to him for taking the time and effort to explain his beliefs.

Most of the opinions Manasclerk expresses in his lucid and well-researched entry are on issues having to do with long-established Presbyterian church tradition, so it's not my place to dispute them. The only thing in his entry to which I would take exception is the interpretation he uses for the communion-related verses in I Corinthians 11. The interpreter he cites asserts that Paul's instructions for communicants to examine themselves were written as an admonition to the Corinthian church's members to examine their relationship with the church body. This is a far narrower interpretation than the one the average untutored reader would derive, which is that communicants should examine their relationship with all their neighbors, not just church members, and with the Lord.

To my mind, the interpreter commits a sin of omission by suggesting that members of the church are already in a right relationship with the Lord and everyone outside the church. At any rate, such an interpretation puts the local church authority itself in a space outside and above the worldwide body of believers that is the bride of Christ.

I realize I'm speaking boldly here, and I'm willing to reconsider my opinions if they prove to not be scriptural. But I believe these are important issues, and I'm thankful that readers are writing to me to shed light on them.

Both Eric and Larry have written to me that their churches allow all Christians to partake in communion, and both of them are Baptist. I've read that Trinity Baptist Church is a thriving congregation, so that will most likely be the next church I'll try.
3:42 PM  |

Good morning! I can't blog this a.m., as I'm about to leave work to crash with a friend in Manhattan, it being too snowy to venture back home. I hope to write later and put up some of the comments I received yesterday about recent posts. If you'd like some reading material in the meantime, I highly recommend this new interview with legendary pop genius Emitt Rhodes and this slightly older piece by G.K. Chesterton. And of course there are treasures to be found in Donnaville, Out of the Blue, Dustbury.com, Forgotten NY, The Fire Ant Gazette, Of Moops and Men, and Kevin McCullough's blog.
1:04 AM  |

Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Taken for a Ride

Going through old files on my computer, I came across notes from an unpublished interview I did around 1995 with the great songwriting duo of Gary Bonner and Alan Gordon (the Turtles' "Happy Together" and "She'd Rather Be With Me," Three Dog Night's "Celebrate"). Unfortunately, there's not enough good material there to make an article (which I'm certain is my fault, not theirs), but I do have an interesting quote to share from Gordon.

After Bonner and Gordon's garage band, the Magicians, broke up in 1966, they became house songwriters for Chardon Music, where the first song they wrote together was the E-Types' garage classic "Put The Clock Back On The Wall." Gordon's good-naturedly sarcastic account of what happened next gives a good feel for what the music business was like during the 1960s:

"We were writing songs for Chardon for, like, 50 bucks a song, something like that, in the beginning, just to make some money. Then they signed us to a long-term contract not too long after that. In those days, when you signed a songwriting contract, they got you cars and different things; they got Gary a Jaguar. It was all advances against royalties. The title of my autobiography will be 'The Advance Against Royalty.' Kind of a political revolutionary kind of novel.

"They got me a very unique Cadillac. I'm the only one that had the Recoup DeVille. It's the world's most expensive Cadillac; it took me, like, over 30 years to pay it off. It was a green one. It was nice, very nice. I wish I still had it."
2:40 AM  |

Irrational Velvet, or,
Faith, Rope, and Charity

Several readers wrote in to comment on yesterday's post about Village Church's velvet-rope communion, and all were helpful. A reader named Katherine boldly emerged from lurkerdom to inform me that the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod practices close communion, which means that only those who are members of Lutheran churches may receive the Lord's body and blood, save for cases of what the denomination's Web site tantalizingly calls "extraordinary circumstances." She also notes that the Catholic Church only gives communion to Catholics.

Still, I've never experienced the Village Church's brand of exclusivity in other non-Lutheran Protestant churches. Jim Friedland, from whom I borrowed the velvet-rope reference, observes that allowing communion only for those who already belong to churches prevents seekers from getting the full experience of the church. As he puts it, even gyms offer trial memberships.

Then there's the response I received from Clarence, which is worth quoting in its entirety. Like God's answer to Job, it doesn't really take my side, but it expresses a deep and important truth—one that I'd say is oft-neglected. I particularly like his wonder at how people take communion week in and week out. Before I was a believer, when I would visit a church, I could never understand how, after the priest gave all the caveats—"If you lack forgiveness; if you hold any resentment in your heart..."—the entire congregation would go up to the communion table.

Clarence writes:

There are many confused people that do not fully understand what it means to take communion. I for one have never taken it lightly. There were many times when I did not think myself to be in any condition spiritually to participate and opted "out" of the opportunity. I believe I was making a wise choice every time.

I have never understood those who are willing to participate each and every time the sacraments are offered or made available. For some it seems they take communion every time they go to church. Personally, I prefer to make my own taking of communion a very private affair. I will take a piece of bread and a swallow of wine and go off by myself to some remote place, even when in a sanctuary, inside a church, among a thousand others, I will go off by myself to the most secluded place I can find, even if it means up against an outside wall with my back toward the room. Then I pray quietly until I am spiritually in His presence before I partake of His body and blood symbolically. It is a very sacred event for me.

Here's a link you may find interesting...I know I did: "What Taking Communion Really Means." I believe it is serious business.

1:29 AM  |

Monday, January 26, 2004
A Failure to Communicate

Yesterday I continued my search for a place to worship by trying my second church in as many months: The Village Church, a Redeemer Presbyterian-affiliated ministry that holds services in an Adventist church on West 11th Street.

After getting myself up at the ungodly hour of 9:45 a.m. (I work nights, including weekends), I bundled myself up against the bitter cold, ran out the door without breakfast, walked three-quarters of a mile to the PATH station, and took the train to the Village to find...

...I'd come on the wrong day.

Oh, they were having services all right—they may use an Adventist church, but they're not Saturday sabbatarians. No, I had come on a day when their pastor was off.

You see, I'd tried the church once before, a year and a half ago, on the advice of an acquaintance, but it was in-between pastors and the service was uninspiring. Since then, the same acquaintance has told me the church has acquired a wonderful Chesterton-quoting pastor. Blogger Manasclerk has also recommended I give it another chance.

So I was quite disappointed to find no pastor and no sermon. Instead, they had an hourlong, video-and-testimony presentation on the outdoor service they held last summer in Washington Square Park.

After hearing the speakers talk about what a blessing it was to share God's love with people, I was ready to take in God's love myself, in the form of a wine-dipped wafer. But it was not to be.

The service's program listed the requirements for taking communion. They were the usual ones: Communicants had to be Christian. They could not carry resentment, an unforgiving spirit, or any other such feelings in their hearts. They must belong to a church that preaches the full gospel...

Hold on a sec.

I read and reread the rules. The full-gospel church-membership rule was there, all right. But I couldn't recall ever having seen it at any other church. Nor could I recall or imagine any biblical basis for it. (Never mind the fact that the church's service, though it displayed devotion to the Lord, had not related a great deal of the gospel that day.)

I hoped that perhaps when the service leader called congregants to communion, he might list the requirements aloud and neglect to mention the churchgoing one. Then I could partake.

No such luck.

He listed the requirements, all right, and he stressed church membership. He even added, "If you're not a member of a church, you really shouldn't take communion, because it wouldn't be good for you."

It wouldn't be good for me? The body and blood of Jesus Christ, taken by me in the spirit of faith alongside fellow faithful souls who belong to the worldwide body of believers, wouldn't be good for me?

How can the very substance of goodness not be good?

I give that service leader credit for one thing. He guaranteed that I would be spiritually unable to take communion. At the moment he voiced his caveat, I no longer was in a neighbor-loving state of mind.

Really, this is a shame. I could have gotten over the fact that I was sleepy and hungry and annoyed at having come on the wrong day. None of those things were the Village Church's fault, and honestly, when I go to worship the Lord, it shouldn't be all about me.

But it seems to me that a worshipper's attendance at a church displays a desire to be part of a faith community. Shouldn't that, along with being a resentment-free Christian, be enough to qualify me to join with fellow believers in the Lord's Supper?

I'd be interested to hear the views of others, particularly fellow Christians, on this matter. E-mail me: dawn -at- dawneden.com (replacing -at- with the atsign). When writing, please let me know if I have permission to quote you in print. I may not publish every response, as I'm more interested in your opinion for my own edification. Thanks!
3:25 AM  |

You Like Me Too Much

Dawn Patrol caricaturist David Chelsea weighs in with a welcome perspective on my Style Court appearance:

Who says you can't be groovy and godly? Did you ever see the "Simpsons" episode where Bart and Milhous break into Ned Flanders' house and find his secret closet full of rare Beatles memorabilia (including a box of Beatles spackling compound—slogan: "I'm fixing a hole—in my drywall!")?
And while we're on the subject of David, his graphic novel David Chelsea in Love, one of the first comic-art confessionals of its kind, has been reprinted and is available at fine bookstores as well as Amazon. The Silver Bullet Comics Web site has a sample of the book and an interview with him.

3:05 AM  |

Sunday, January 25, 2004
If you're around the East Village this Wednesday, the 28th, at 7:30 p.m., you're invited to see me do a guest spot as co-host of my friend Janet's weekly trivia game, Drinking & Thinking. Yes, I will be doing the music round! The game takes place at Dempsey's Pub, 61 Second Ave., between 3rd & 4th streets. It's free, you can win a bar tab, and pretty much everyone gets some free junk food to nosh.
12:56 AM  |

Clothes to the Edge

I was touched yesterday to receive several responses to yesterday's post about my "Style Court" experience, "Don't Make Me Over", from close friends as well as e-mail pals, all encouraging. I hope it came through in my post that I do believe there was an important message for me what Judge Roth and the jurors said. I exited "Style Court" with a different and better spirit than I entered it.

It still surprises that what I had pictured as a superficial TV-show experience should turn out to have serious and very positive moral resonance. It's so corny.

But to everything there is a season. Here in Eden, it's corn season...which goes perfectly with the year-round season of pop!

I'll leave you with this excerpt from a very kind and insightful e-mail from my Oklahoma e-mail pal Charles G. Hill, who creates one of my favorite Web sites, Dustbury.com:

Okay, you're a walking anachronism.

The sort of person who is put off by this is the sort of person you probably don't need.

And adopting the trappings of a particular era does not mean that you've adopted the ostensible values of that period: wearing '80s gear doesn't make you greedy, nor do '50s outfits repress your individuality. Sixties libertinism is largely oversold anyway; while the more blatant examples got far more press coverage than they deserved, Joe and Susan Six-Pack didn't really catch up (if that's the term) until well into the Seventies.

"Style," said Lester Bangs, "is originality; fashion is fascism." Even contemporary fashion magazines (yes, I admit it, I read Harper's Bazaar and
InStyle) will tell you, even as they show you all the Must Haves for the next quarter, that you should find a style you like and stick with it.

The guy who turns away will never know what he missed; shed no tears for him. As for that guy who said you couldn't possibly be conservative—well, he didn't understand the meaning of the word, or just assumed it was a pejorative.

12:08 AM  |

Friday, January 23, 2004
Don't Make Me Over

I took a moral inventory after receiving my faith a few years back, and two of the major things that I found troubling fell under the umbrella of vanity: my exhibitionism, and my obsession with mid-Sixties style.

The exhibitionism is an obvious problem. It stems from a lack of self-esteem, and feeds back into it as well: Once I start showing off for attention, it's very hard to stop. The mid-Sixties obsession is more insidious. On the surface, it's harmless and fun, but it reflects a desire for a look that only really looks good on someone youthful—and while I look young, I've been dressing that way for nearly 20 years. Even when I was 16, I feared that, if I remained stuck in a teenagey style, I would end up as bizarre-looking as those aged diner waitresses with platinum-blonde beehive hairdos who haven't changed their look since their teenagehood. And they, at least, lived through their favorite style decade.

So, if I'm trying to be less of a show-off and grow beyond the mid-Sixties...what was I doing Thursday afternoon, in full Mod regalia, in CBS Studio 45 as the "defendant" on "Style Court"?

I admit, when Todd told me he'd been on the show, the words, "Really? Can I be on it?" passed through my lips. But I didn't push it. Honestly. I've had my day in TV: been a contestant on Bill Cosby's "You Bet Your Life," been an on-air pop-music historian for "Sound FX", done dozens of rock-band interviews for Manhattan Cable's Videowave. I don't need to prove anymore that I have skin that looks good on TV and a nice big head (!) that the camera loves, and did I mention that I look young for my age...

This is what I mean. This is why I have to wean myself off exhibitionism. The mere prospect of it turns me into a modern-day distaff Jack Benny.

"Style Court" is the Style Network's flagship program, a "People's Court"-type affair, only where the "loser" gets a makeover and $350 wardrobe. The plaintiff, a friend or family member of the defendant, accuses the defendant of having a look that's crying for improvement. When Todd was on, his friend Tanked Michael accused him of dressing like a nerd. Todd argued that he was a nerd, and proud of it. He won, God bless him.

Todd connected me with the show's production staff Wednesday afternoon, after they called asking if he could help them fill a last-minute opening for Thursday's taping. He suggested I get a friend to accuse me of being stuck in the mid-Sixties. Needless to say, the idea wasn't too much of a stretch.

Eager at the prospect of a makeover and new wardrobe, I called Kate, a good friend and fellow DJ at the Sixties dance night POP GEAR! She agreed right away to be my plaintiff and came up with what I thought was a winning argument, not least because it was true: I have been dressing the same way for nearly 20 years, and my clothes no longer reflect the essence of who I am. My clothes give the impression that I'm this swinging rocker chick, when—even though I do really love Sixties style—I'm really religious and conservative. Since I would like to have a boyfriend and eventually get married, I should modify my look in a way that better reflects my personality.

When Kate and I showed up Thursday afternoon at Studio 45 of the CBS Broadcasting Studios on West 57th Street, one thing was clear from the start: The show is not fixed.

The production staff who worked with Kate and me (all of whom were uniformly warm and helpful) did tell me that there was a very good chance I would lose my case, because over 90% of defendants lose. It's a makeover show, after all, and viewers like to see people get new looks. At the same time, they told me they could not guarantee the outcome. That was in the hands of the jury and, ultimately, the judge: Australian law-school grad turned wedding-gown designer Henry Roth.

Still, it was in the staff's interest to have the most entertaining show possible, with dramatic before-and-after changes, so they instructed me on how I should look. They wanted my Sixties image to be totally over-the-top, but minus the raccoon-eye makeup I usually wear with it—in fact, they wanted me with no makeup at all. So I wore my chartreuse leather jacket; black ribbed turtleneck; black-and-white Op Art hip-hugging microminiskirt; black mesh tights; knee-high black leather boots; black leather John Lennon cap; huge chartreuse plastic hoop earrings; costume rings and bangles; and enough love beads to fill a Mardi Gras float. You can get an idea of the results from the blurred photo of Kate and me at right, taken after the show.

I should have known there was a problem when, in the green room where Kate and I were waiting with others for our turn in the courtroom, one of the staffers told me that a couple of younger people there thought I was 18. I was elated, naturally, but the staffer pointed out that it was not good for me to look too cute if I wanted to lose my case. Then she told me encouragingly that I looked tired.

As the staff prepped me and Kate for the show, I started to get more excited. I really loved Kate's arguments. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had been stuck in a rut for 20 years and needed to change—only I was unlikely to do so on my own, as I'm unaware of other ways that I could look attractive and still express my creative side. Perhaps the show's master stylists could help me find a way to look pretty in a modern way without looking like everybody else.

When the time came, I strode into the courtroom confidently, as I'd been instructed. As much as I wanted to win, I wanted to put on a good show. The staff told me I had to look and act determined, so I walked through the courtroom doors as if I owned the place. Because of the way I dressed, my hips-forward, arms-swinging saunter looked comical, yet...cute.

From the moment I took my place, it was clear that Kate's arguments didn't stand a chance. They all loved me, from the judge and jury down to the people in the audience. Some wag even shouted, "Here come the judge!"

If you don't know me and think I'm just being an egotist—or if, heaven forbid, you know me and think so—I can tell you honestly that I am not making this up. If I were making this up, I would have lost, which was my one goal at that moment. They really liked me. Sally Field had nothing on me.

It was the most ironic feeling. I've gone through life these past 20 years being ignored, ridiculed, or looked-down-upon by mainstream people for the way I dress. I was perfectly prepared to get that reaction from that crowd and capitalize upon it. And now, the one time I wanted people to put distance between themselves and me, they adored me.

Judge Roth, who is himself adorable and can warm my bench anytime, started out by asking us if we were for real or if he were getting "punk'd." Kate showed him photos of me at various times during the past 20 years, including this 1989 shot of me backstage with the Turtles' Flo & Eddie, to prove that I was stuck in a rut.

Unfortunately for me, the images only served to prove that I had always been cool. The judge and the three-person jury (all in the fashion biz) oohed and aahed over my leopard-print coat. It was hard for me not to enjoy myself, even as I wished it were going differently.

Kate made her argument, whipping out some wild '60s clothes of mine (including my Fantastic Funky Flea acquisition at right) to demonstrate how inappropriate my wardrobe was for the conservative events I attend. She said it gave the mistaken impression that I was "loose." But again, every item of clothing that she brought out elicited gasps of adoration. I couldn't believe it.

I countered Kate, as I'd been instructed, by rhapsodizing fervently about my love for Sixties pop culture. As evidence, I pulled out a handful of Mod-era teen magazines, which the judge eagerly requested to handle. He and the jury positively melted over my 1967 issue of Fashion Rave.

It's funny looking back on it now, but I really thought my most damning piece of evidence was that I felt prettiest dressed the way I was. I thought this was damning because, from a utilitarian perspective, my idea of pretty isn't working for me. I'm stuck and in need of a push in a new and different direction.

But you know what happened when I said that, don't you? Yes, you do. All I got out was, "Your Honor, I feel prettiest dressing this way—" and there it came. The audience applauded.

What a riot. I heard a voice in my head—not a psychedelic hallucination, but my better judgment—saying, "Turn around and smile at them." So I did. But I was stunned. I really felt like I deserved an Oscar for projecting such conviction even as I could see my $350 wardrobe on little wings flying away. (Maybe I really was Sally Field.)

When it came time for the jury to give their opinions—which Judge Roth could take or leave—they each told me I was a beautiful person and should stay the way I was. The lone male juror, who admitted to being from the Woodstock generation, went further, saying that I wasn't really conservative; I couldn't be, being as creative and colorful as I was. As you can imagine, while I knew he meant it as a sincere compliment, it took some effort for me to smile and say thank you!

Kate made one more effort to assert that I was projecting the wrong image to the kind of men I wanted to meet. I was glad for the opportunity to admit to Judge Roth that she had a point: People looking at me might not know that I actually read authors like G.K. Chesterton and C.S. Lewis.

Judge Roth looked me in the eye.

"Be honest with me, Dawn. Would you really be happy if you had to throw out all of these beautiful clothes and wear a Gap T-shirt?"

He had to chide me to look at him, because at that point I was looking at a spot on the floor.

I looked back up at him and said, in all seriousness, "No."

Then he asked me to stand atop their raised "verdict" platform (a circular light that, as Todd noted, looks like the transporter deck from "Star Trek") and demonstrate some of my Sixties dance moves. I frugged with abandon, to much merriment from all around save for loyal Kate. That clinched it.

Judge Roth looked at me very seriously and told me that I'd won my case. He proceeded to tell me a story about a creative and assertive woman he knew who had bemoaned to him the lack of available men in New York City—and then she found someone.

The right man was out there, Roth said, and all I had to do was be myself. He advised me to find clubs where people shared my interests. He seemed to genuinely care—even saying that he was certain he'd be designing a Sixties wedding dress for me one day, and he looked foward to doing so.

Even though my primary feeling at that point was an overwhelming disappointment at winning—plus strain at having to act happy and victorious until the cameras went off—I had a feeling that God was trying to tell me something. There was just too much going on for me to ignore.

One of the things that I especially like about Chesterton is that he champions the wisdom of the common man. Even though he himself could fit in with the most erudite company, he frowned on overphilosophizing and favored simple truths.

I've built up this whole myth that I am not attractive enough the way I am, and that I need to change something about myself in order to become more attractive. The simple truth is that I am a light—let's say this 19th-century New York City street lamp—and I am worrying too much with whether or not my cast-iron pole needs a new coat of paint. The only thing to do is let my light shine brightly...

Well, that's one message to be learned, anyway. The other is that I am going to spend the rest of my life proving that that it's possible be conservative and creative.

There's no air date yet for the "Go-Go Style" episode of "Style Court," but when I know it, you'll find it here.

8:31 PM  |

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Let's Play Two

Today's Dawn Patrol feature is taken, with permission, from an e-mail my friend Jim Friedland wrote in response to yesterday's entry. Jim has Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia (CLL) and wrote to me yesterday afternoon after enduring a five-hour intravenous Rituxan drip, a procedure he calls not painful but "interesting": "I basically have medically supervised license to have all the stuff under my kitchen sink pumped into a port in my chest. I should be the envy of every big-eyed five-year-old dreamer in America."

Jim is an amazing person.

When he's not undergoing or recovering from medical procedures, Jim is blessed with the company of his 16-year-old daughter (he's been a single
parent for 13 years); works busily as a screenwriter and librettist; and is currently writing a novel involving Gustav, Alma and Putzi Mahler. We've been friends for four years, ever since he contacted me while doing research on Harry Nilsson. You can tell he is a great writer from his e-mail, because of the way he makes these seemingly vague, joking asides that, upon examination, have incredible, Lenny Bruce-like precision. I didn't know until I googled P.L. Travers just now that she really was a Sufi teacher. (At least, she was a Gurdjieff devotee.)

I really love what Jim has to say here. It all hits home. Please send him a prayer as you read this:

Remember...the first meaning of the verb "to suffer" is "to allow." It is the only one that's viable to me.  As the great Sufi teacher P.L. Travers would say, a spoonful of allowance makes the medicine go down (all right, I said that...but she said as much in her lectures and she did write Mary Poppins). And allowance makes the variegated crazies we meet to date be their experience of their embrace of pain without us getting embraced as part of it....and lets the abundance of our life, well, abound.

So follow the motion of the feelings and thinking in the majority of your blogs about loneliness. You may find a hypnotic whirl forming around a void that is NOT there. You've written much about God's grace and how it applied to the relief of your depression. You create, accept, embrace, describe and celebrate a life of abundance. Yet you concentrate on perceiving a void at its core and seeking relief for it from the same source of goodness Whose Love relieved your depression.

For that One to Whom you turn...there is no void. How can there be in a universe where all is creation? (As Parmenides said, "How can man think of Nothing?") And depression is the dogma of voids. 

Faith is no mere thesis...and depression is more or less than its antithesis. It is just hopeless faith...it is faith not practiced with abandon but faith lashed to a fearful belief that you will always be abandoned. 

I don't believe God in any way finds depression evil or a flaw in the soul. However, I think God must see it as the strangest order of prayer to answer. Prayer is about releasing our (often destructive) control. And fear is not a loss of control but most often occurs as a form of chaotic control—an imitative distortion of what we feel we cannot control that takes control of us.

Most often depression occurs on the corner of Expectation and Disappointment. (That was the real address of Schwab's Drugstore...trust me on that one.) So my suggestion to you is a hearty "want less, love more." Wanting what you have is a good thing. Wanting so for what you don't...even if it is an experience of love...is not. It creates an unintended negative prayer.

You know this next one, and not just as an idea. When I let go of expectations... what I truly want and need comes to me. Yet not necessarily in the form in which I sought it. But you may have set up a criterion or two for it to be acceptable that creates a prayer which will not be, as they say endlessly between the 40- to 50-minute marks on "Law and Order," asked and answered.

Love doesn't conform to expectation... instead, it forms us. By projecting a space of sorts for a much-yearned-for relationship... you inadvertently create something that goes against creation...a place for something that isn't there. 

Have a vision! God loooooves vision! God's favorite pleasure up in The Catbird Seat is to watch humans see great goodness that isn't there...yet. Maybe he even lets Red Barber call the plays.  (It's why he keeps finding funding to preserve Blake's very fragile work and let rockers find copies of Yeats along with Gideon Bibles.) 

To me, depression always was the whirlpool I'd drown in with no love of drowning...which is why you wisely and truly considered your conversion...salvation. It's a great day, Dawn. Let's play two. You'll attract the love you want not by seeking it. Not by bemoaning its absence or sacrificing peace to it. (How happy would I be if I concentrated on the five dollars I don't have all the time?) Love yourself in the ways you do so beautifully. Your peer will recognize you...even if one of you is wearing the merest of shmatta.

The other week I met someone who wasn't what I was looking for. If I had stopped there...I would have continued to seek who I believed I was looking for. But I would not have found the person who may be the woman I've always wanted. Fortunately, my expectations had already shown me their lack of bearing on my soul's happiness. And for that I have to thank God and the angel he created to teach me so much, my uninvited guest, the CLL.

Love,


Jim

1:45 AM  |

Wednesday, January 21, 2004
Thorn Again

Yesterday, a friend of mine talked to me about one of the most painful experiences of his life. He had for a long time been doing something that he knew was morally harmful to himself and others, yet he felt powerless to stop. He kept his activities hidden from his faith community, which meant more to him than anything in the world. One day, the community discovered his sub rosa activities and turned him out.

My friend said the rejection made him call out to God for the first time in years. Crying from the heart, he pleaded with the Lord to give him insight into his own errors and show him what to do.

"Did God answer?" I asked.

"No," my friend replied.

He paused and had a second thought. A month later, he said, he was able to put a permanent end to the activity of his that had hurt him and others the most.

I was happy to hear him say that. He realized that God does answer prayers—in His own way and His own time.

This topic is also on my mind because of Aunt Judie's blog entry yesterday, where she discusses 2 Corinthians:7-9, in which Paul describes his "thorn in the flesh" that God would not remove.

Paul's "thorn in the flesh" was apparently some kind of sickness or infirmity. The Apostle knew God's healing power—the Lord had shown His glory through Paul countless times by enabling him to heal others—so it must have seemed like a small request for him to ask for his own healing.

God's answer to Paul was not what Paul had wanted to hear. Yet, it was strangely comforting, in much the way that God's non-answer answer to Job renewed Job's faith in the Lord. God said, "My grace is sufficient for thee, for My strength is made perfect in weakness."

I have just finished a week of work and am starting my "weekend." I have activities with friends planned for tonight (including a Christian lecture that I've convinced two pals, one atheist and one agnostic, to attend with me—God is good) and I'm seeing "Big Fish" with my mom and stepdad on Thursday. Yet, as I rode home from work on the PATH train at 1 a.m. today, I felt lonely.

It's an empty kind of loneliness, made more stark by the fact that for once in my life, I have everything I want—a great job, a decent apartment, wonderful friends and family, enough money to dress up and eat out—everything, that is, except a husband. During the two and a half years when I was anxiety-ridden over finding a full-time job, I could much better tolerate the times when I wasn't dating. In fact, my prayer back then was, "God, please send me a job and a husband, but if You have to send one first, I'd rather have the job."

So actually, come to think of it, my prayer's been answered—the first part, anyway.

I believe that He is answering the second one too, but in His own way and His own time, and in such a way that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Although I hate going through loneliness, I know from my experience of God's healing my depression that, after the healing, the painful years seem to have gone by in the blink of an eye.

I realize that if I think about it, back when I was depressed, I must have had hundreds of nights of crying myself to sleep. My mother used to have to clean out tissues from the corners of my pillowcases before she washed them, because I would store them there for easy access. The days, months, and years seemed to go by at a snail's pace, and I couldn't see any meaning to it. Even happiness seemed vapid. The only thing that was real to me was an enormous sense of futility. "Vanity of vanities, all is vanity."

Then one day, in October 1999, I had an intense religious experience and God healed me. It left me kind of off-kilter at first—I'd lost my modus vivendi. But God was holding my hand, showing me how to think and feel like a normal person, and not like a depressed one.

This morning, as I rode that PATH train, I remembered how I used to feel when I was depressed and talking to non-depressed people. I'd ask them if they ever felt sad and they would say, yes, sometimes, but after a while, it would go away. Suffering as I did from cyclical depression—knowing that even if I was OK for a time, I would eventually plunge back into suicidal despair—I felt so jealous. A normal person's sadness, with a light at the end of the tunnel, was happiness to me.

So, this morning, I am thinking about how God made 15 years of hopelessness vanish in the blink of an eye. I don't understand why He made me suffer for so long, but if it was so that His strength could be made perfect in my weakness, then I know it was worth it. Likewise, I'm not happy about being lonely, and I can grouch about it until readers rename this blog The Moan Patrol. But I believe that one day, God is going to send me my future husband, and I am going to become so annoyingly sappy that no one will ever believe I could have railed about not having some dreamboat to help me with my coat.

As I write, I am listening to the first part of Handel's "Messiah," which quotes from Haggai 2:7: "And I will shake all nations, and the desire of all nations shall come: and I will fill this house with glory, saith the Lord of hosts." The image of shaking recalls sifting for gold, as in Proverbs: The fining pot is for silver, and the furnace for gold: but the Lord trieth the hearts." This is reinforced in the very next Haggai verse: "The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, saith the Lord of hosts."

God is shaking me. He is sifting me, so that the parts of me which are weak have to seek Him and cling to Him. As Augustine wrote, "You have made us and directed us toward yourself and our heart is restless until we rest in You."

That is my prayer for myself and for you today, to cling to Him through the stinging heat of loneliness, rejection, or pain, as the silver clings to the refiner's pot, and find rest in Him.
4:31 AM  |

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Single Issues & First Editions

A couple of other blogs worth noting today:

Eric Siegmund of The Fire Ant Gazette has a powerful entry on the single-issue voter. I think I am in danger of becoming an Eric Siegmund dittohead. Now, if I can just find me one of them "sanctity of life" churches he mentions (good luck in the NYC area, I know).

Linus of Pepper of the Earth has graciously used space on his blog to explain a mystery from yesterday's Dawn Patrol: why the first edition of a daily paper is called the "bulldog."
4:28 AM  |

Sunday, January 18, 2004

'Niece' Work if You Can Get It

Judie, who publishes the lovely Aunt Judie's Guide to Life for nieces and nephews both biological and honorary, has asked me to write for her 16-year-old niece about what I do for a living.

I am a copy editor for a New York City daily newspaper. This means that I am one of the very last people—practically the last, save for my boss—who looks at what goes into the next day's paper before the printing presses start whirring. (Actually, I do not know if printing presses really whirr, having never seen one. One of my goals, when I've been here a little longer, is to ask how I would go about getting a tour of the printing plant, which I think is about five or ten miles away from my paper's midtown Manhattan headquarters.)

As the Talking Heads song goes, "How did I get here?" I ask myself that every day. I love my job and I can't believe that I am working full-time for the seventh largest newspaper in the country. It's actually nowhere near where I would have wanted to be at this point in life when I was 16. Yet, if you'd told me when I was 16 that I would be here at 35, I know I still would have said, "Cool!" And meant it. Because I always have loved journalism. I just thought I was going to work in A&R for a record label, signing my favorite acts (and if I'd done so then—1985—would have made a fortune, as my faves were the Smithereens and They Might Be Giants).

I know it's wrong to do woulda, coulda, shoulda, but if I could go back and talk to my younger self, I would have told myself to choose a career doing what I did best—and pursue my passions in my off-time. That's not the same thing as choosing a boring career. What one does best is rarely boring. I read very well, and I eat very well. At my job, I can do both at my desk, to my heart's content—and get paid for it.

All right, so it's more than that. For one thing, the hours are whacked. (What is the current preferred, non-offensive term that teens are using for "whacked"? Please tell me and I will apply it.) I have a five-day work week, but my "weekend" falls on two weekdays. This is because the paper has to go out on Saturdays and Sundays, so only the most senior of the eight copy editors may have weekend days off.

Because the copy desk can't do anything until the day's stories are in, the copy desk's hours begin at 3 p.m., except on Saturday when things get rolling at noon.

Each day, there are three editions of the paper. The first one is known as the "bulldog." I have no idea why. Because the stories change from one edition to the next—and the copy desk is operational for about nine-and-a-half-hours—copy editors' shifts are staggered so that the desk always has enough people on hand.

My own start times vary from 1 to 5 p.m., depending on the day, for a seven-and-a-half-hour shift. The 5 p.m. start time is my "late night"—everybody on the desk has one—because the copy chief needs one copy editor to stay to work on additions or changes for the third and final edition.

The office looks pretty much like any newsroom. If you've seen "All the President's Men," you have a good idea: one big room, set off by waist- or chest-high partitions between departments, so you can look out over the whole floor and see who's at their spots. (Here is an example, from The Sacramento Bee that is nearly identical to my employer's setup.)

There is no privacy. While you might think that would be annoying, and it can be—like when the people in the department next to mine get into one of their loud sports discussions (no offense, guys, but I'm tryin' to concentrate here)—it can also be fun. I can hear the editors call out to one another or to the reporters, I can hear the discussions over what's going to be in the "wood" (the front-page headline, so called because it used to be laid out in wooden type), and so on. A big story comes in and people start buzzing. It's exciting—yet, as a copy editor, I don't have to leave my chair. I only have to wait until the story comes to me.

There's often a story waiting for me when I arrive, in the form of a "chit" left for me by my boss, the copy chief. The chit is a piece of paper on which is written the name of a story (the "slug") and a code number by which the story may be found in the computer (in case the slug's illegible or wrong). It also tells me how long the story's supposed to be (measured in column inches), how long the headline should be (measured in picas), how big the letters of the headline should be (measured in points), and how many lines (or "decks") the headline should be. And it's written in shorthand. It might say "2l 20p u/l x9" and I have to translate that in my head as, "A two-line headline in 20-point type, upper- and lower-case lettering, across 9 picas."

Once I have the chit, I open up the story on my computer and spellcheck it. I've always hated spellcheck, because it's so easily abused, but it is necessary in this kind of job, as a first step before doing a good old-fashioned read of the story.

Unfortunately for me, spellcheck knows I hate it, and it has gotten me into trouble. As you may have noticed, the "Ignore All" and "Change All" buttons in spellcheck are perilously close together. One day I pushed the wrong button, and the next day my boss received an angry letter from one of our editors. It seemed there was a person quoted in the story whose last name was Stoll. Spellcheck made it Stool.

Thankfully, I was still pretty new on the job, but it was embarrassing, and I felt terrible for my boss. In most jobs, if you mess up, people can trace it fairly easily to you. In my job, my editor was the recipient of an angry reaction that I myself deserved. Needless to say, it taught me to be more careful.

After spellchecking, I trim the story to specifications. If the story's from the news wires, I'm the first person at the paper who edits it. Those stories are easy to trim because they're written in the traditional "inverted pyramid" style, where the most important information is up top, so I can just cut from the bottom. But I still have to read the story all the way through before cutting it, both to correct spelling and grammar errors (many of which will still be there after spellcheck) and to see if there's anything in the middle that could be cut more easily than what's at the end.

With in-house stories, cutting's a little trickier. Although all but one reporter (who shall remain nameless) understand that the copy editor's job is to trim down their work, I still have to do everything I can to retain the writer's individual voice, especially if the writer's a columnist (as opposed to a news reporter).

Finally comes the headline. This is by far the hardest part of the job, but also the most rewarding—especially since I have the blessing of working for the only daily newspaper in America that some people buy just for the headlines.

The headline, first and foremost, has to reflect the lead paragraph of the story. If a reader sees a headline and then, beginning to read the story, finds that it's unrelated, the reader will quickly lose interest.

As long as that requirement's fulfilled, then—providing the story's not tragic (or, at least, not tragic to people within our distribution area)—I can have fun. It's an exciting challenge to come up with something that both explains the story and makes a groan-inducing pun.

On an average day, I have to run as fast as I can just to stay in place—copyediting the stories and coming up with headline that are witty and succint, if not laugh-out-loud funny. The first priority is to write good headline that fits the specs. That can be very difficult in cases where one is writing a 130-point banner headline, with room for only two or three short words. That's why some of my most popular headlines at work were not necessarily hilarious, but told the story in a tiny space. For example, I once earned praise from the "duty editor" (the highest-ranking editor on duty) for a very short and simple 130-point banner headline for a story about moviemaking in NYC: "CITY FLICKERS."

The good days, when the puns emerge, usually come in streaks. Like recently when I wrote, for a story on how the "Lord of the Rings" film was back on top at the box office—"RETURN OF THE KA-CHING—and the next day wrote, for a story on the police union's Times Square billboard calling for higher pay:"Cops push for wages of sign."

Photo captions can also be opportunities for puns, as they consist of a mini-headline—a "kicker"—followed by a description of the photo. I'm very proud of my kicker for a photo of a dour Nelson Mandela next to a beaming Beyoncé: "AGE BEFORE BOOTY."

One chit follows another, with an ebb and flow depending on the rate at which the reporters and editors can push through the day's stories. The pace of work is most rapid for the first five hours of my shift, when we're racing to get the first edition done. In addition, for the duration of my shift, I can't leave my desk for longer than five or ten minutes at a time. It feels a bit like kindergarten in that way (it also feels like kindergarten when I come in after my weekend to find someone's taken my chair), but I understand that's how it's done. I'm paid to be on call. So I bring lunch and dinner with me to work and nosh whenever I feel like it. No one bothers me about it, which is nice.

Once the first edition's been put to bed, I have relative quiet for the last two and a half hours of my shift. However, I have to be careful not to get too zoned out from websurfing, because there are always a few more stories coming through for the later editions. Plus, I have to look at the page proofs, which I enjoy. These are the actual pages that have been laid out for the first edition. Since the headlines have already been written, I only have to get out the red pen, mark the errors, and then go into the computer to correct them so they'll be right in the later editions.

Sometimes I find more substantial things to correct in the proofs. Last night, the headline for a story on a proof said, "Hero dies in blaze: Old man alerted tenants." The story went on to describe this "sickly elderly man who walked with a cane." He was 60 years old.

I thought of my mom, who's in her early 60s but too young for full Social Security, and wondered how she would feel if someone called her "elderly." Then I pointed the story out to the weekend copy chief, noting that Baby Boomers who are 60 might take umbrage at that word and at "old." He agreed and the words were removed, with the subheadline changed to a simpler, "Alerted building tenants."

At the end of the day, I get to go home, and here is what any person working full-time will tell you is the mark of a very desirable job: I don't have to take my work home with me. In fact, I can't. It's impossible. What freedom! I can go out with friends if it's my early night (or if they're up for staying out late) and I can blog, and if I'm not blogging too late in the night, I can get up in time the next day to meet a friend for lunch or go shopping—all without having to think about "that big project that's due at work." There's nothing at work to think about. The day's paper is out, and tomorrow's a new day.

The only way I can describe this kind of freedom to a 16-year-old is, imagine if you never had any homework for the rest of your life. You may think that's what the adult world is like, but for many people, it's not. With almost every white-collar profession—and quite a number of blue-collar ones—at some point, you're called upon to write a report or give a presentation, or confer with co-workers to come up with a group solution to a problem, and you're expected to think about these things in your off time. Likewise, if you haven't finished a project at work, you may have to come in on a day off, or come in early, to work on it. Copy editing is an ideal job for a creative person, because, at the end of the day, you still have both the time and the brainpower to create.

Having said all that, the nagging feeling hits me that I haven't done much creating lately outside my blog. But I'm glad you're reading this, Aunt Judie's Niece, and if it gives you any idea of what you want to do careerwise—or what you don't want to do—then I'm happy.
8:06 PM  |

Saturday, January 17, 2004

Salvation on the Cheap

E-mail pal Jim has published a response to my "Veiled in Flesh" post (which was in turn a response to an e-mail from Wes) on his blog, Brainwaves. I'm glad Jim's taken this weighty topic "outside," so to speak, because it's far too much for this little blog to handle all by itself and still have room for other things in my life (like my as-yet-unchronicled visit to The Fabulous Funky Flea).

Jim approaches the topic of the Incarnation from the perspective of Paul in Romans, particularly Romans 5:12-21, which presents Jesus as the second Adam. I agree with Jim's major points, though I'd ask you to overlook his aside about Eve if it prevents you from appreciating the rest of his argument. Yes, I'm being coy in not telling you what it is, because I'm hoping you'll read his post. But I have no compunctions about giving away the ending, which I I like very much:

Personally, I believe that once so re-born of the Spirit, we are given the promise that He will never leave us, never forsake us. The only question is whether such indwelling is a guaranteed entrance into heaven. There is a day of judgement for all men. I leave such matter, as it pertains to the believer, one of not how perfectly we've managed to walk the "straight path", but by how much hunger we have had to know and obey His voice as we have stumbled forward, to the right and to the left, in pursuit of Him. The "mind of Christ", our Comforter and Guide, is always there, wooing us back to center; and the "unforgiveable sin" is one of continuing to disregard such counsel until we commit the original self-willed decision made in Eden.

These are dangerous words—in fact, they even get my dander up a bit—because they open Christians up to the criticism that they are propounding cheap grace.

We've all seen people, be they fallen religious leaders, sports stars, or friends, who seem caught in a cycle of sin and repentance. These people excuse their behavior by saying it's not how they live, it's how they try to live.

It reminds me of the schoolteacher years ago who suggested I "try" to pick up a pen. Every time I did so, he'd chide me, "No, you picked up the pen. I want to see you try to pick up the pen"—the point being that I couldn't do it. This was the Seventies and people were paid to give you annoying self-righteous messages about spirituality. But he was right. When it comes down to it, one can't really try to anything. One either succeeds—or doesn't. Motivations matter, to be sure, but they don't seem to matter quite as much if one has just tried to hold onto a tenth-floor window ledge and failed.

Manasclerk helped me get a handle on this problem recently by writing something to me that I later discovered he'd written in his blog as well: "It's not that we have cheap grace, it's that we haven't made it cheap enough!" He went on to explain that until you can explain grace and make it sound cheap, you're not really explaining grace. His message is not that grace really is cheap, but rather that it is impossible to overstate the magnitude of this gift, for which we ourselves have paid nothing—and for which God paid with His Son.

Still, I can understand people's not liking for faith to be preached in a way that appears to downplay the importance of works. These critics underestimate the ability of people to find a balance between things that seem to be in contradiction with one another. In truth, there are hundreds of millions of people—with far less education than you or I—who have no trouble understanding that their faith in Jesus does not mean He wants them to go ahead and sin, say they're sorry, and sin again.

3:11 PM  |

Mom has tipped me off to a pair of excellent Messianic Jewish Web sites that offer Torah commentary and inspiration. Torah Bytes has commentary based on the weekly parasha, or Torah portion, while Truah has inspirational essays with a refreshing streak of sadness. This isn't just rah-rah, Little Mary Sunshine stuff. It's deep, thought-provoking, and ultimately uplifting. I recommend last week's Truah, "Happy Forever," on how the happiness God gives is "not about the absence of problems," but rather an awareness of the good that God is doing in the midst of difficulties.

1:45 AM  |

Friday, January 16, 2004
Dawn of the Dread

Walking through the CVS Pharmacy last week, I saw in the corner of my eye those things I've been dreading for weeks. They are blood-red, pointed at the end, and contain substances that are hazardous to one's health.

I am speaking, of course, of Valentine's Day chocolate boxes.

Christy of Digital Nirvana has the anti-Valentine's Day post to end all anti-Valentine's Day posts—or, better yet, to end Valentine's Day. (I write this simply because I do not have a date for that night, which also happens to be the night I DJ at the Rififi nightclub's POP GEAR! dance. If I had a date, I would be all hearts and flowers and mushy cards.) Choice quote:

Why is it that V-day always highlights the good things about love but never gives credit to all the sheer hard work, commitment, devotion, loyalty and faith that goes into building that stronger than titanium kind of love? Love is all about keeping the flame burning in all seasons.

9:43 PM  |

Go Wes

Wes, whose e-mail I answered in my recent post "Veiled in Flesh," has started his own blog. One of his first posts is a response to my post.

As I've mentioned before, I would characterize Wes as a seeker of truth. Although he strongly questions beliefs of Jews and Christians—and uses his knowledge and experience as a Yale philosophy major to back himself up—he strikes me as being much more open-minded than most people who fall into the category of atheist or agnostic. If you are Jewish or Christian and looking for a good and good-natured theological sparring partner, I highly recommend a visit to his site.

For my part, I wish I could put the level of time and effort into responding to Wes's latest post that he did into writing it, as he poses important questions and makes unorthodox conclusions. As it is, I'll just respond to his conclusion: that "according to the Bible, God has turned away from many people, and many people will be condemned to suffer eternally in the flames of Hell." C.S. Lewis, in Chapter 8 of The Problem of Pain, describes how, if God turns away, it is only because the soul from which He turns persists in declaring to Him that He is not welcome. [A Lewis excerpt appeared here briefly but was removed because it is copyrighted material.]
8:56 PM  |

School of Crock

I just received a reminder of why I try to avoid writing about politics on this blog: because so many others do it better. My friend Jon just wrote an entry on his blog, Of Moops and Men, that, as far as I'm concerned, puts him on a par with the Reynolds, Lileks, and Tarantos of this world.
4:40 PM  |

High School Confidential

Sorting through papers today, I found a file of memorabilia from my senior year of high school (which came right after sophomore year—I was so eager to get out of high school that I took summer school and skipped). Looking at it, I was reminded of how hard it was to be 16.

As far as I can make out, I was in a state of rebellion against my school (I flunked a quarter of senior math), my peers, and my mother. I expressed it by becoming obsessed with on-the-edge music; initially punk, but then neo-garage bands and original Sixties acts (like the Remains and early Kinks). I also expressed it by dressing differently from my peers—initially by getting a spiked 'do, later by getting a Brian Jones cut (right; photo taken March 1985 before going to a neo-garage concert where paisley wearers got reduced admission).

Still another way I rebelled was by taking chances hanging around much-older musicians and underground journalists in the East Village (like the one in whose apartment the photo at right was taken) instead of my peers, most of whom I viewed as artless and hopelessly suburban. I didn't drink or do drugs, and I guarded myself sexually—more out of fear of getting hurt than out of a sense of morality—but I liked putting myself in nightclubs and other places where I really shouldn't have been.

Poor Mom. I can picture her coming in to my room in the morning and asking why I wasn't up. I was probably sleeping off a nightclub outing. I can imagine asking her to write me a note (click through for a larger view) so I could miss my first period of school, which was probably gym. So she scrawled it while she was rushing off to work, where she oversaw mental-patient halfway houses so I could have my cute Brian Jones haircut and bubblegum-stretch jeans.

Yet, despite all this, I wanted more than anything in the world to fit in. I wanted to have close friends who understood me. I wanted people to like me and find me attractive. And I can see this in my high-school papers—this combination of rebellion, angst, loneliness, and...utterly isolating braininess.

Click through the image at right to see my SAT scores. Remember, this was before the scores were recentered in 1995, when the average was raised 100 points.

In the eyes of most of my teachers, I had no right to be brainy. I was a mediocre student and I didn't apply myself. But in reality I was a voracious reader and erudite snob who was bored stiff by most schoolwork and hated being treated like a child. All in all, I felt hopelessly out of place, not just in high school, but—as my age 16-31 depression was beginning to emerge—in the world at large as well.

Still, I did have some great friends in as well as out of school, and some sympathetic teachers, like my writing adviser, "Doc" George. Doc was a bachelor Englishman in his sixties who taught Shakespeare and was amused by my interest in punk rock. He also thought it was funny that I could do an English accent of a sort. When I was a sophomore and had the spiked hair, he invited me to come into a class of seniors and pretend to be his niece from Coventry. I probably sounded more like Eliza Doolittle than the girls from Bananarama, but most of the class fell for it.

At left is a report Doc George wrote up for my composition teacher (click through for a larger image). Mr. Margolis was a heavyset man in his late fifties with stringy white hair. He taught me some very good things about composition that have stayed with me—particularly parallelisms—but I hated him at the time. Once he caught me reading about James Dean in the library when I was supposed to be researching something for class. He shouted at me that I was wasting his time.

I responded at the top of my voice, "No, Mr. Margolis, you're wasting my time."

He sent me to the principal's office.

Mr. Margolis also used to wear short-sleeved shirts that showed the yellow crust on his elbows. He read that poem about the girls in their summer dresses, the gossamer fabric clinging to them, and I could practically see him drool.

By contrast, Doc George, my writing adviser, was my friend. So when he reported on me to Mr. Margolis in the paper above, here's what he wrote:

"Reason for visit: To discuss composition on an idea (quotation) from Mark Twain and to relate it to 'Anarchy in the U.K.'

"Writing Center Teacher's Comment: A bright interested girl who enjoys the Sex Pistols and their strange sense of humor."

What a wonderful teacher. God bless him. As for the Twain/Pistols essay, it doesn't seem to have survived. I have to say, I'm glad.


3:10 AM  |

Thursday, January 15, 2004

PATHs of Glory

The PATH train is romantic, mystical, spiritual.

I have believed this ever since reading G.K. Chesterton's The Man Who Was Thursday.

Chapter One of that novel, which is my favorite book after the Bible, features an open-air argument between an anarchist and a mysterious man who champions virtue. The anarchist, Gregory, says, "The poet delights in disorder only. If it were not so, the most poetical thing in the world would be the Underground Railway."

The other man, Syme, replies, "So it is."

The anarchist argues that the Underground is unpoetical for riders because it is predictable: "It is because after they have passed Sloane Square they know that the next station must be Victoria, and nothing but Victoria. Oh, their wild rapture! oh, their eyes like stars and their souls again in Eden, if the next station were unaccountably Baker Street!"

Syme responds with words that I live by: "The rare, strange thing is to hit the mark; the gross, obvious thing is to miss it. We feel it is epical when man with one wild arrow strikes a distant bird. Is it not also epical when man with one wild engine strikes a distant station? Chaos is dull; because in chaos the train might indeed go anywhere, to Baker Street, or to Baghdad. But man is a magician, and his whole magic is in this, that he does say Victoria, and lo! it is Victoria....

"I tell you that every time a train comes in I feel that it has broken past batteries of besiegers, and that man has won a battle against chaos. You say contemptuously that when one has left Sloane Square one must come to Victoria. I say that one might do a thousand things instead, and that whenever I really come there I have the sense of hair-breadth escape. And when I hear the guard shout out the word 'Victoria', it is not an unmeaning word. It is to me the cry of a herald announcing conquest. It is to me indeed 'Victoria'; it is the victory of Adam."

With this in mind, when I enter the PATH train for that 14-minute ride beneath the Hudson River, I take a seat all the way up front, where I can see the signals. And, when I'm not reading my copy of Chesterton's Illustrated London News Essays, Vol. 2 or (during the three minutes between 14th Street and 33rd Street) the Bible, I think about what those signals mean.

I think of Psalm 119:105: "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." The signals become metaphors for God's guidance. Just as a lamp at your feet only shows you the next step, so each signal shows the driver that he can continue for another few hundred feet before he has to watch for the next signal.

As long as the driver's on the right track, he knows where his destination is, but he can't see it while he's in the long, dark tunnel. All he can see are these little lights that blink red, green, or yellow. To me, that's like the life of one who's following God. Even when I know my goal is holiness, I still have to watch that I don't rush into things when God wants me to go slow, or stay in one place when God wants me to press on.

Riding the train into work every day gives one plenty of time to obsess over these things. It also makes one known to the driver, if one's perched in the very front seat every time. The driver's seat on the PATH train is like a tiny closet with a door that faces my seat. I always say hi to the drivers, to be friendly and also because this mystique I've built around their position causes me to reverence them. And I must admit, I feel a certain amount of pride when the driver enters the car in his dusty work jacket, his keys jangling, and I alone, among all the riders, get a familiar "hello."

The other day, I had a moment to chat with one driver before the train started. "How many signals are there between here and New York?" I asked eagerly.

"Oh, I don't know—40, 50," he replied.

"And you have to watch for every one," I marveled. "I really admire how you can do that—all the concentration it takes, because any one of those signals could turn into a red light."

I wasn't being sarcastic, and I don't think he took it that way. Still, he told me, in the nicest way possible, that my romanticism was ludicrous.

"It's a boring job," he said.

My face fell.

"It's the same thing every day. It's boring," he repeated. "I'm stuck here in this vertical coffin, on this metal seat..."

He went on. I tried to look sympathetic. In another moment, I was saved by the bell of the closing train doors.

On my way home, I took my same seat and resumed reading my Chesterton, but by the next morning's commute, I was back to thinking about Psalm 119—and the unhappy driver.

I realized that, when he leaves his "vertical coffin," he may think that he's done watching signals for the day. His job is hard, but his life is relatively easy.

With me, it's the opposite. I love watching the train signals because they're so clear. It's when I leave the train that I worry, because God's signals become obscured by the distractions of everyday life.

So I still envy the driver for the certainty he has by way of those flashing lights. And I'm thankful for every day that God's word gives me a light unto my PATH.

3:47 AM  |

This Side of Kevin

Last night, I had the pleasure of meeting WMCA and WWDJ radio host Kevin McCullough and The Lovely Bride for the first time, as we met for dinner in Manhattan. Kevin and I have been corresponding by e-mail since November, when I wrote to let him know that I had written an entry about the Stop Abercrombie & Fitch campaign that he promoted: "Nude, Where's My Country."

At the time that I wrote to Kevin, I was trying to make this blog about something other than just how great am I, how great are my friends, and how great is my favorite Sixties pop music. (My professional writing career has been almost exclusively devoted to music journalism, as you can see on my main page, Gaits of Eden.) But although I wrote about deeper subjects when I could, I had never felt confident that I could write authoritatively or engagingly on anything outside my usual range.

To my surprise, Kevin not only thanked me for writing my post, but he plugged it on his blog and read the entire thing on his radio show. I was blown away. The effect was a total validation. Suddenly, I wasn't just this Sixties pop fan who happened to write about God sometimes. I was a serious writer expressing opinions about important moral issues.

Of course, that didn't prevent me from wearing a skintight silver lamé dress and spinning records by Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich at the next installment of my DJ dance night POP GEAR! But it did give me the confidence to become bolder about my faith in my writings, which in turn has made me bolder about it in life. I am very thankful to Kevin for his initial and ongoing encouragement.

As you can see in the photo above (taken by The Lovely Bride), Kevin is truly a towering personality—and not just because I'm a petite powerhouse. In fact, since WMCA has reclaimed its "Good Guys" slogan (complete with "first on your dial" jingles) , I would go so far as to say that Kevin edges out the legendary Dandy Dan (right) as the tallest Good Guy ever. (The Tall Texan is 6'3".)

The photo of Dandy Dan at right comes from the incredible Musicradio 77 Web site, which, despite its name, includes a wealth of information on the original WMCA Good Guys, plus no less than 80 original WMCA jingles.

* * *


Confidential to a female relative from whom I haven't heard in years: My mother told me that she heard from another relative that you read my blog. It touched her deeply, and it touches me too. It makes me happy to know that you care about me and you like my writing. I love you and I wish you all the best.

2:32 AM  |

Wednesday, January 14, 2004
Veiled in Flesh

Wes—an e-mail correspondent whom I've never met, but who shows a genuine hunger for truth—responds to yesterday's post, where I derided the Gnostics' contention that Christ never suffered as a human:

This is actually, I think, an interesting issue, and I think that you dismiss it prematurely (and unfairly) when you paraphrase it in rather silly terms ("While He appeared to be nailed to the cross, suffering, he was really in Heaven, dancing.") and imply that the Gnostics came up with this development solely "to save their own skins." There's more to it than that—at least, in its more sophisticated variants.
That dancing image is silly, which is why it jumped out at me when I read Elaine Pagels' citation of it in The Gnostic Gospels. It's in the Gnostic text The Acts of John.

Wes continues:

First, suppose that Jesus truly did suffer, physically, on the cross. Suppose that "[h]e had been poor in spirit. He had mourned. He was righteousness, and yet He knew what it was to hunger and thirst for it." Suppose all of those things.

All along the way, however, Jesus's faith was unshakeable. Jesus knew that he was God. Jesus knew what the future held for him, and he accepted and
embraced it. And, through all of his torments, he knew that a throne awaited him in Heaven.

Does that not somehow diminish the intensity of his suffering?

Can we really say that Jesus suffered "as a human"? Can we say that Jesus' suffering was greater than that of Peter, who had to watch Jesus suspended on the cross, abandoned and betrayed by himself, having denied Jesus three times before the cock's crow? Can we say that Jesus knew pain as Judas did, who suffered the knowledge that he betrayed his Savior for thirty pieces of silver, and, being unable to bear that burden, took his life in shame? Of Judas, it is said that "[i]t would be better for that man if he had never been born," but not so for the Son of Man, who "is going the way appointed for him in the scriptures." (Quotes are from my Bible, but the verse is Mark 14:21.

To suffer "as a human" involves error, doubt, shame, regret, etc.—things that Jesus, in virtue of his righteousness and
sinlessness never experienced. Physical pain is one thing, and to feel abandoned by one's fellows is another, but Jesus never felt abandoned by God. Jesus was never lost. That would have been to truly "suffer as a human."

There are, of course, Jesus's words on the cross at the ninth hour, whereupon he cries out, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46, also Mark 15:34)—arguably,
this would be the instance where Jesus's faith wavered for a moment, and where, at last, before death, he truly suffered "as a human." However, there is some controversy over this outcry, as it is also the opening verse of Psalm 22, which ends on a rather triumphant note. So perhaps Jesus's outcry was not that of a doubting and disillusioned man, but a final reference to the scriptures, a confirmation that "[t]his shall be told of the Lord to future generations; and they shall justify him, declaring to a people yet unborn that this was his doing" (Psalm 22:30-31).
The first premise I would ask Wes to accept is that Jesus was both fully God and fully man. But I believe that although Jesus was fully God, during the time He walked this earth, He did not have the same kind of knowledge of all things past, present, and future that God the Father has. This can be seen in Scriptures such as John 19-20, where Jesus says, "Verily, verily, I say unto you, The Son can do nothing of himself, but what he seeth the Father do: for what things soever he doeth, these also doeth the Son likewise. For the Father loveth the Son, and sheweth him all things that himself doeth: and he will shew him greater works than these, that ye may marvel." You can also see it on occasions like Mark 30, when Jesus knew that His healing power had gone out to someone, but he could not immediately find the woman who had touched Him.

In essence, I believe that, while Jesus was and is one with his Father, while He was incarnate, God gave Him a steady stream of divine knowledge on a need-to-know basis. He had all the knowledge that he needed in order to live on linear, human time. He received all other knowledge when He returned to His Father. I should stress that this is only my opinion, based on the Scripture I've read.

For insight on "why hast thou forsaken me," I can best refer you to a book I've read but don't own, Death on a Friday Afternoon: Meditations on the Last Words of Jesus From the Cross, by Father Richard John Neuhaus. While I don't always agree with Neuhaus' Roman Catholic perspective, he is a fine and insightful writer and answers a lot of tough questions very well.

Last, there's the question you pose of the validity of Christ's suffering. If you grant that He was fully man, being fully human means being wired to feel pain. He couldn't be fully man if He wasn't able to suffer. As for whether or not he actually did—whether His knowledge of what the future held for Him... I don't believe there is any adequate analogy for the physical pain that Jesus was made to suffer. He was tortured and humiliated in the most ghastly and inhumane ways known in His time. But if I had to think of analogy, I would say, think of childbirth.

Seriously. Think of a woman who desperately wants to be a mother, more than anything else in the world, but she has to go through the pain of childbirth to make it happen.

As I'm sure any mom could tell you, knowing that one is going to have a child does not alleviate the suffering of childbirth.

Now picture giving birth to billions of people at the same time, and each birth has its own peculiar brand of pain that you feel individually. That's a small part of what I imagine Jesus going through on the cross. He was giving birth to eternal life, to an entirely new creation—to me and to everyone else who has been born again. His pain was caused by the sting of each of his children's sins.

As Paul wrote in Romans 8: "For we know that the whole creation groaneth and travaileth in pain together until now. And not only they, but ourselves also, which have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting for the adoption, to wit, the redemption of our body. For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for?"

Perhaps Jesus cried out at that one moment when He could not see what He hoped for. And it was at that moment that His Father embraced him, and the thick curtain of our sins that separated us from God was forever rent.

Wes would be pleased to continue this discussion with Dawn Patrol readers. His e-mail is theorchardist -at- yahoo.com.
4:31 AM  |

A Dry 'I' in the House

My friend Jim Friedland told me yesterday, regarding my reaction to the glass of wine in the now-notorious Segue magazine photo, "I had one question when I read that: Is POP GEAR! a dry event?"

Very funny. The answer is, no, it is not, but I'm completely dry in these photos from this month's installment of POP GEAR! last Saturday—despite my work-weary eyelids and the presence of leis (brought in by patrons arriving from another bar).

At right, I'm with my friends Jon and Valerie, each of whom has an entertaining blog of their own. Valerie's blog, The Ramblings of a Gen X Misanthrope, is a straightforward rendering of her day-to-day life and obsessions, written with a sweetness, wry humor, and New York City-style directness that invites crushes—or so I've been told by one male reader. But Valerie's spoken for, and her beau Jon has the delightfully named blog Of Moops and Men, which is new and thereby one of the great undiscovered political blogs.

Jon, who works in the news media, has a talent for noticing details of news stories that others overlook. Among them are delightful names (as James Taranto might call them). For example, while I read the "Weird But True" story about the woman who stole a cache of glass eyes, it wasn't until I read Jon's blog that I noticed the thief's name: Melissa Jane Wink.


Here I am with singer-songwriter Tony Hightower and actress/singer Franca, who, while lovely, is conspicuous by her absence of a Web site. It is a strange thing, how nearly everyone in my circle of friends has a site I can link to their name. When one friend of mine started a blog a year and a half ago, I told him I had this bizarre fear/wish: In the future, my friends and I would stop communicating with one another directly and would only communicate through blogs. This has since gotten closer to reality, so it's an ever-happier occasion for me to see my pals face to face like I did in between DJ shifts at POP GEAR! (I should add that two of my pals, Caren and the inexplicably blogless Janet, also do a masterful job of bringing friends and strangers together in person every week at their trivia nights: Caren's Tuesdays at the Baggot Inn and Janet's Wednesdays at Dempsey's Pub.)

Tony has, besides his main Web site, a blog called The Evil Twin Theory, which includes a link to his "Area 52 Project": an enterprising plan to release a song a week in 2003. The music I've heard of his isn't quite catchy enough for me, which, as I've tried to explain to him, very likely means it is perfect for many other intelligent and discerning music fans. Put another way, we can't all aspire to the greatness of Herman's Hermits, but some of us can approach that of Tom Waits.
2:30 AM  |

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Life With the Lions

Manaclerk writes with kind words about yesterday's post "The Nearness of Thou and adds:

I really enjoyed your post from today. You probably already have this down, but it took me years to learn this and I figured I should say something, just to keep it fresh in my mind. About:

"(1) He has given me the blessing of His power to enable me to overcome all spiritual battles. Ephesians 1:3: 'Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ.'"

It's even more subversive than that. We now, even in this world, have all of the riches of heaven. Not just power to overcome spiritual battles but the entire wealth of God. Vast richness that is earned by Christ for us. Instead of having to beg or to make my life righteous, these spiritual blessings are imparted to me by Christ's work on my behalf. How can I possibly give him any gift that has any meaning when he has given me all this? I give him back what was his anyway. I do nothing to earn anything because it is already mine, which is confusing on so many levels.

We're already rich beyond our wildest imaginings. Probably old hat for you but it has hit me again tonight just thinking about it. I just can't get over God's over-the-top love for me.
I believe this. On a deep spiritual level, I believe this. What I've been trying to say in this blog is that, regardless of what I may feel at a given moment, there is a higher truth which God is revealing to me, day by day, in answer to my prayers for greater understanding of it.

The reason I haven't come right out and said it is because I'm afraid of sounding like "The Matrix."

That is, I want to avoid sounding like the "Matrix" films' philosophy, which is based on the Gnostic heresy that this world is an illusion and what happens here doesn't matter.

The truth is that God is not a being who exists separate from this world and crashes in when he feels like it. In Ephesians 4, Paul quotes Psalm 68—"When He ascended on high, He led captivity captive, and gave gifts to men"—and writes,

Now this, "He ascended"—what does it mean but that He also first descended into the lower parts of the earth? He who descended is also the One who ascended far above all the heavens, that He might fill all things.
When did Christ descend into the "lower parts of the earth"? When he suffered and died.

To refresh my memory on Gnosticism, I just pulled down my copy of a book I liked a lot before I was saved: Elaine Pagels' Gnostic Gospels. Reading it now, it's still useful as advice on what not to believe.

Pagels writes that Gnostics' No. 1 conflict with catholic Christians (lower-case; they were all catholic back then) was over the issue of Christ's Passion. Gnostic texts argued that Jesus was never fully human, so he never suffered as a human. They had various conflicting stories which boiled down to the claim that Jesus only appeared to suffer and die. In fact, they believed, he was feeling no pain, all the way to the end. While He appeared to be nailed to the cross, suffering, he was really in Heaven, dancing.

Gnostics' disbelief in the essential elements of the Passion had a practical element. It enabled them to get off without being martyred. Why should they suffer and die, they argued, if Jesus never did so Himself? So they said whatever the authorities told them to say, and practiced their, ahem, faith in secret—leaving Polycarp, Justin Martyr, and thousands upon thousands of catholic Christians to be tortured, torn apart, sliced, or hung.

You will notice that, despite the Gnostics' efforts to save their own skins, they died out. Meanwhile, the seeds watered by the blood of Christian martyrs bore generations upon generations of fruit.

We're not supposed to look for suffering, nor are we to allow ourselves to suffer needlessly. We're supposed to seek peace and pursue it. But when we suffer for the sake of righteousness—such as being lonely because we can't think of ways not to be lonely that don't involve breaking a commandment or two—God is with us.

Open your Bible to Matthew 5, the chapter that made my mother, upon reading it for the first time, break down in tears and realize that Jesus was speaking to her. Jesus' first words to the multitudes were "Blessed are the poor in spirit...Blessed are those who mourn...Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness...Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake...Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake."

Jesus was still in the early days of His ministry at that time, but He had already lived 30 years on this earth. Surely, He had experienced every one of those emotions by that point. He had been poor in spirit. He had mourned. He was righteousness, and yet He knew what it was to hunger and thirst for it—after all, where was the first place He went to when he visited Jerusalem as a boy? His Father's house. And even before he began to face resistance to His ministry, He must have known what it was like to be reviled and persecuted: His own mother and Joseph had been forced to leave their country for His sake, and even when they returned, they couldn't go back to Joseph's hometown.

Jesus is touched by the feeling of our infirmities. He counts our tears and puts them in His bottle. He is able to do this, and yet He has this message for us: "In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

Like the parent of an angsty teenager, Jesus can see where we are in life, understand it, and empathize with it—yet he's far enough above the fray to know that it won't always be that way. But try telling that to the angsty teen—or to this angsty 35-year-old.

Jesus sees the big picture. I can't. But I can see the image of it that He's drawn for me with His word, and I can ask Him to strengthen my faith that His truth, His vision, is greater than that which is in the world.

That hope is one of His "gifts to men" that He gave when He "led captivity captive." It feels slender right now, no wider than a fishing line. But this ichthus is already hooked and has no choice but to hold on for dear life.
3:05 AM  |

A Just "Sew" Story

I knew that the secondary headline for a story in today's paper on Howard Dean was going to include the word "pincushion," as Dean announced yesterday that he was tired of being one for his rivals. So what to write for the main headline of this story about Dean's going on the offensive against the Democratic presidential candidates who have been lacing into him?

Of course. "Dean goes on a tack".

I also have a headline today for a story on the "Midwest Madam," an Indiana woman who moved to Manhattan and ran three "escort services" in her home state by phone. I wrote, "Indy-sent proposal".
12:19 AM  |

Monday, January 12, 2004

But He'd Spell His Name "Golem"

Mom reports that she saw "The Return of the King" yesterday (she'd seen the first two as well) and her favorite character remains Gollum—or, as she prefers to call him, Smeagol. And she had what I thought was a remarkable idea.

She said that, while she thought the actor who played Smeagol, Andy Serkis, was excellent, the perfect actor for the role would be Frank Gorshin.

And you know what? She's right.
3:38 PM  |

The Nearness of Thou

I was reading my little Gideons New Testament/Psalms/Proverbs on the PATH train the other day, and I was struck by something in Luke 10. When Jesus called on his disciples to go out to the cities, he told them that if a city received them, they were to "heal the sick there, and say to them, 'The kingdom of God has come near to you.'" If a city rejected them, they were to "go out into its streets and say, 'The very dust of your city which clings to us, we wipe off against you. Nevertheless, know this, that the kingdom of God has come near you.'"

So, whether the city was open to the Gospel or not, they had to know that the "kingdom of God" had come near them.

This brings up a couple of things for me, one of them being how, in Exodus, God told Moses again and again that it was His intent, through the plagues and the parting of the Red Sea, for the Egyptians to know He was the Lord. Some people see this as a so-there, "Old Testament God" sort of thing—and I put that in quotes for a reason, as I think it's unfair and inaccurate to suggest that God started out vengeful and suddenly turned nice when the Word became flesh. As Paul said in his letter to Jewish believers, "Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and today, and forever." I believe God in His love wanted the Egyptians to know Him so that some of them—or even just one of them—might be saved.

More to the point, the Luke passage invites the question: What is the kingdom of God, and what does it mean for it to come near to us?

For the first part of the question, an online search for "kingdom of God" reveals that practically every reference to it in the Hebrew Bible refers to eternity. For example, in Daniel 2:44, when Daniel interprets the king's dream: "And in the days of these kings the God of heaven will set up a kingdom which shall never be destroyed; and the kingdom shall not be left to other people; it shall break in pieces and consume all these kingdoms, and it shall stand forever."

And this passage from Psalm 45:6, which Jews believe is one of the psalms that describes the Messiah:"Your throne, O God, is forever and ever; a scepter of righteousness is the scepter of Your kingdom."

So the Jews of Jesus' time understood that the kingdom of God was an everlasting kingdom. Moreover, they believed that through faith in God, they could share in that kingdom and enjoy eternal life, as David wrote in another messianic psalm, Psalm 16 (keep in mind that God's "right hand" is a Hebrew Bible metaphor for the Messiah):

"For You will not leave my soul in Sheol,
Nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption.
You will show me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
With that in mind, how does the kingdom of God come near? How does one intersect with eternity in this life?

I see the disciples' message of the nearness of the kingdom of God as a message that there is our time, and there's God's time. Likewise, there is this world, and there is the world that lasts.

But you'll notice that in the case where a city received the disciples, Jesus did not tell the disciples, "Tell them the kingdom of God has come near them, so they should put an end to their daily routines." There's no message that the believers should take themselves out of this world. There is only the message that the Way, the Truth, and the Life has entered the believers' world. It is left to the individual believer to reconcile God's Truth with the world's truths that the believer is forced to confront from day to day.

As Paul wrote in Phillippians 2, we are left to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. But we are not alone, for, Paul goes on, "it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure."

These are all things that I need to think about with this new week and hold them close to my heart. After an exciting Saturday night where I was surrounded by friends, I returned to work today and found myself feeling joyless. Not sad; joyless. There is a difference. Sad is when I feel hurt, angry, or hopeless. Joyless is when I feel that I am in a routine and don't have anything to look forward to except accumulating gradual wealth and dying in 45 years or so.

That's an exaggeration, of course, and I don't mean to disparage my friends, whom I love very much, and whose company and correspondence brightens my life. I'm just not someone who takes very well to being unmarried and dateless.

So my prayers this week are going to be to ask God to help me understand what He has done by bringing the kingdom of God near to me (and even within me, as Jesus said in Luke 17). In essence, I believe that my problem is not external, but internal, and that God can give me a changed perspective.

To be honest, I'm acting more out of hope than out of conviction, because the truth that I'm experiencing in my soul right now is not God's truth, but a sense of lack and an inability to foresee the emptiness' being filled. But I have to remember God's promises. No, not a promise that He'll send me a husband—although I truly believe He will, He hasn't given me any divine message to that effect. But there are two definite things that He has promised me and everyone, over and over, through His Word:

(1) He has given me the blessing of His power to enable me to overcome all spiritual battles. Ephesians 1:3: "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ."

(2) As long as I continue in Him, He will sustain me so that I will draw closer to Him in faith—and have a greater experience of the joys of the kingdom of God in this life. Psalm 27:

I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.


1:23 AM  |

Sunday, January 11, 2004
John Gallo read my mother's praise to me for swimming upstream and wrote to remind me of the classic G.K. Chesterton quote: "A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it."
6:56 PM  |

Automated e-mail from the Village Voice re their 2003 music critics' poll:

Dawn Eden, your votes have been recorded.

Your Pazz & Jop albums ballot was submitted as follows:

1. John Carter - Measure for Measure - RPM (30 points)
2. Judee Sill - Judee Sill - Rhino Handmade (20 points)
3. - A Mighty Wind - DMZ/Columbia (10 points)
4. Trouble Dolls - Sticky - Half a Cow (10 points)
5. Andrew - Happy to Be Here - Bus Stop (5 points)
6. Smile - Brighton Pier - Cribsong (5 points)
7. Broken Hearts - Want One? - Paisley Pop (5 points)
8. Noel Harrison - Life Is a Dream - Rhino Handmade (5 points)
9. Bob Kelly - Three Chord Brag - Warmfuzz (5 points)
10. Mark Bacino - Million Dollar Milkshake - Parasol (5 points)

Your Pazz & Jop singles ballot has been recorded as follows:

1. Anderson Council - "Strawberry Smell"
2. John Carter - "Conversations (in a Station Light Refreshment Bar)" - RPM
3. Noel Harrison - "Sign of the Queen" - Rhino Handmade
4. Lou Christie - "Christmas in New York"
5. Judee Sill - "The Lamb Ran Away With the Crown" - Rhino Handmade
6. Broken Hearts - "Always You and Me" - Paisley Pop
7. Trouble Dolls - "Something Blue Amazed Me" - Half a Cow
8. Michael Lynch - "O Holy Knight"
9. Folksmen - "Old Joe's Place" - DMZ/Columbia
10. Alan Merrill - "Handyman" - Orchard

4:18 AM  |

Saturday, January 10, 2004
Been meaning to share with you the wonderful and loving words that my mom said to me last Wednesday as I clutched a cell phone to my ear during a break in my friend Janet's trivia game at Dempsey's Pub: "I'm proud of you for the wonderful job you've been doing of swimming upstream."

* * *
Earlier this week, I had to write a headline for a story on the police union's Times Square billboard calling for higher pay. I wrote, "Cops push for wages of sign".

3:37 PM  |

A quiet day on The Dawn Patrol, as preparations for tonight's POP GEAR! keep me from blogging at length. POP GEAR! is the monthly '60s pop DJ dance night I co-promote at Rififi, the nightclub at Cinema Classics, and you are invited. It's free, and you can dance or just get warm on a couch and watch the Mod-era films projected on the big screen. The club's at 332 East 11th Street, between 1st and 2nd avenues; we POP into action at 10:30 and pack up our GEAR at 4 (though I have to sneak away at 2—it's a work night).

As soon as I get an extra hour, I'll put together a photo page about my recent excursion to a wonderful vintage-clothing store out in the boondocks (Denville, N.J.) called the Fabulous Funky Flea, where I got the groovy coat and beads at right.

E-mails, We Get E-Mails...

My friend Kevin Walsh has some thoughts on yesterday's post about Mark Millar:

I fear we have to disagree on something...The Catholics have come in for an inordinate amount of criticism and ridicule in mass media in recent years. News programs focus on the sexual transgressions of priests. Those priests are in the minority (I grew up around priests and never met sexually abusive priests, and never even heard about this kind of behavior on the part of priests where I went to school). I can't prove that but I'm 100% positive about it.

Media present Catholics as generally unenlightened and backward due to the official opposition to abortion, and paint them as repressed sexually (one of our era's greatest "crimes"), manifesting itself in abuse occasionally.

A few years ago, Giuliani called for an end to funding for the Brooklyn Museum, citing a dung-spattered portrayal of Mary in its "Sensation" exhibit. (I would have merely called for a boycott of the exhibition.) This pretty much cemented Giuliani's vilification in the minds of most of his critics, including most newspaper editors (the Post excepted).

Giuliani was most likely fed up, as I am, by the generally negative depiction of Catholics and subsequent non-response, and decided to speak out; I stood by him then as now.

As you may know, I'm not very religious at all, but I'm glad I was educated in Catholic schools, from kindergarten right through college. They imparted in me an ironclad sense of right and wrong; I have little moral ambiguity, thanks to the priests and nuns (I didn't do well with the nuns though, and have never returned to my grade school—I just don't like to be disciplined).

I would say that the transgressions of Catholics are magnified somewhat more forcefully than those of other faiths.
Kevin, I appreciate your honest and heartfelt e-mail. If my post appeared to be in disagreement with you, it was due to my being heavy-handed in order to make a point about what I perceived as Mark Millar's own spiritual hypocrisy—not any disagreement with you on these matters. Other Catholic friends of mine have likewise raised my consciousness on how individuals and the media level blanket criticisms at Catholics that they would never dare direct at another religious or cultural group.

More responses to my open letter to the publisher of Segue magazine, first from Larry Lovering, who's almost Swiftian in his wit:

After looking over the web site and the sample piece, I'm ready to launch a new magazine myself, called "What the..!" a magazine for over-thirty struggling single parents.  I won't even charge for it, knowing that discretionary income is likely to be used to pacify the children in the grocery store or pay the day care provider's late fees.  Advertisers should flock to this rag, as it creates TV-brand tie-ins for all of the products children want and can't get.  Yikes!

Eric Siegmund (whose Fire Ant Gazette blog is rich in original content) has an interesting observation about the magazine's target audience. This guy really does his homework:

I was especially intrigued by Segue's claim that the potential market was 100 million ("in the US alone") [and by that it means singles making over $75,000/year—Ed.]. Given that the 2000 Census found that the total population of Segue's target age group (30-54) is 103.3 million (see the report at http://www.census.gov/prod/2001pubs/c2kbr01-12.pdf), and given that it's highly unlikely that only 3.3 million of those people are married, then I'd say that Segue is guilty of "overexuberancy" in their market estimates. In fact, in 2000 there were only 76 million unmarried people in the much wider age bracket of 25-59 (I didn't find a breakdown corresponding to Segue's precise age group; here's the Census report for marital status by age: http://www.census.gov/population/cen2000/phc-t27/tab01.pdf).

But, as you (and others) are pointing out, they are even more guilty of irrelevancy!


2:07 AM  |

Friday, January 9, 2004
Would You Take a Wafer From This Man?

If you remember the Abercrombie & Fitch brouhaha from all those weeks ago, you'll recall that one of the quotes from the chain's catalogue that's highlighted on the front page of the Stop A&F Web site (in the left-hand column) is from an "interview with comic-book writer Mark Millar": "My idea is you have the Old Testament, the New Testament, and this is the Final Testament. This is a thing about Jesus coming back as a 12-year-old kid…pontificating whether or not he should masturbate."

Today I received an e-mail newsletter from the Singapore-based magazine BigO (which stands for Before I Get Old) telling of the publication of the comic books Millar described in that interview: "Chosen," a three-book series about a modern-day 12-year-old boy who discovers he's the second coming of Jesus. The first eight pages of the first book in the series—which came out Dec. 24—are featured this week on BigO's Web site.

Although "Chosen" is published by the indie Dark Horse, Millar is the most popular and successful Marvel Comics writer right now, penning stories for many of the comics characters you grew up with. Anything he does is big news in the comics world, having a great influence on readers as well as other writers. He told the comics Web site Newsarama that he envisioned "Chosen" along the lines of the Marvel line of "Ultimate" titles, which strip decades-old characters of their continuity, and start telling their stories anew:

"We've got a 12-year-old boy and his small social circle coming to terms with his incredible destiny just like Ultimate Spider-Man, but the character of Jesus has, without sounding crass, really been Ultimized here in the sense that he's been stripped back to basics after 2000 years of conflicting continuity and put back in touch again with a younger audience. I'm only half-smiling as I say this. You'll see what I mean when you read the book.

"'Chosen'...kicks off with this premise and explores where he and his family go from here. It's 'Stand By Me' meets the Book of Revelations as a kid finds out he's the real deal and has a terrifying destiny ahead of him. This is Harry Potter for fundamentalist Christians."
First of all, we already have Harry Potter for fundamentalist Christians. It's called The Chronicles of Narnia. And some fundamentalists will even tell you it's Harry Potter—only a tiny handful of churches really had it out for that series.

Second...oh, why bother trying to refute this nonsense? I'm letting out sighs as I type. Having been thoroughly chastised by one reader for decrying the A&F catalogue after only seeing a few offensive photos from it on Web pages (and, presumably, not seeing its many photos that didn't give teens the message they were only valuable as pieces of meat), I can't pass judgment on a comic book of which I've only read the first few pages.

But I can tell you a little more about Mark Millar.

Millar, who is originally from Scotland, told The Guardian two years ago (before he moved to the United States) that he was a Catholic lay minister and served the Eucharist every Sunday. He said of his religion, "It gives me a moral framework, which I think is redolent of superhero comics: They're all about morality. Jesus is the first superhero, really."

He was more forthcoming on the topic of Christianity in an interview with the comics Web site Dynamic Forces, where he was asked how his faith influenced his work—and if it was a sin for him to write another book of his, "The Authority":

People are weird about Catholicism and pretty weird about Christianity in general. If I said I was a Hindu or a Jew or a Sikh, people would be very respectful and say it was nice that I had some kind of spirituality. If I said I was a Buddhist or a Raelian or a Satanist or Scientologist, people would smile and say it was kind of cool and quirky. However, tell people you're a Catholic and they kind of sneer. Christianity is the one religion in the West which isn't deferred to or respected or maybe even tolerated which is weird, considering the principles behind it are just about trying to live a good life and being decent to other people. Write a story about a priest who interferes with young boys and nobody bats an eyelid. I've seen it in mainstream comics like Vertigo books. Write a story about a rabbi who interferes with kids and the ADL will have you in court and possibly jail."
While I agree that the Anti-Defamation League is more vigilant than many other groups in pursuing cases of hate speech, accusing them of putting people in jail over comic books is ridiculous. Not only does it show that Millar has no idea what the ADL actually does, it also shows he has yet to understand his adopted country's laws of freedom of the press.

He goes on:

"Why is Christianity the one religion it's OK to take a shot at? Nobody asked the actor Art Malik if his peaceful faith was compromised by appearing as a terrorist in the movie 'True Lies.' But to answer your question more directly, I don't think writing fiction can ever be a sin because fiction is just a peaceful expression of an idea. As a Christian, I think it's immoral to curb art forms which bring pleasure to millions of people, so, if it's not doing anyone any harm, I'm opposed to any kind of censorship."
So, let me get this straight:

Mark Millar laments the fact that people sneer at Christians. It discomforts him that comic-book writers have nothing to fear by writing stories that offend Christians, while, in his eyes, they have everything to fear from offending Jews.

The implication:

Mark Millar believes that Christians should respond to offensive comic-book portrayals with the same level of anger as Jews.

But—

Mark Millar does not believe in censorship.

Got that?

Well, Mark, you can rest easy. I don't want to censor you. I don't want to boycott you. I just want readers to know what kind of people are making the comic books that feed the imaginations of a small percentage of the population, most of them adolescent boys.

And I want you, Mark Millar, to know the self-deception that goes into feeding people Christ's body and blood with one hand, and a steaming heap of dung with the other.

What better way to end this than a quote from William Donohue, president of the Catholic League, from the organization's press release on the A&F catalogue:

"Over the past few years, the Catholic League has blasted A&F for taking gratuitous shots at Catholicism in its catalogs. This year’s catalog is much improved, though it was wholly unnecessary to highlight a foul remark by some guy named Mark Millar [If only he knew—Ed.]. Millar is a comic book writer who’s glad he no longer has to abide by the restraints imposed on him by Marvel and DC Comics. Now he’s free to create ‘an adolescent Jesus pontificating whether or not he should masturbate and that kind of thing.' Sounds to us like this guy’s found a way to cash in on his infantilism."
Indeed.

Click here for reader Kevin Walsh's comment on this post (scroll down to "E-mails" section).
3:38 AM  |

Thursday, January 8, 2004

Going for the Gold It's mailbag time—two e-mails from friends in response to my open letter to the publisher of Segue magazine. First, Valerie, whose blog is The Rantings of a Gen X Misanthrope:
I just read your blog about Segue magazine and what I find ridiculous is that affluent singles need a magazine at all. What could the magazine possibly be about?  Expensive shoes, where to buy the most expensive margarita, the virtues of being unemployed and not caring?
And from Kevin Walsh of Forgotten NY (understanding his references requires reading my post):
Actually the book in the photo looked a bit thin for the Bible, but it's an easy mistake to make. The risque photo doesn't bother me (there's a place in the world for risque) but the fact they're aiming it at "affluent" singles.

There are too many magazines aimed at "affluent" people. Look at any copy of New York magazine. What potential there is in a magazine about NYC, and what potential they waste on P. Puffy or whatever celebrity of the moment is lounging in the Hamptons, or what diet the beauteeful people use, or what those "Sex and the City" women are up to.

By some miracle, if a Forgotten NY book is ever mega-successful, I'll start a magazine about the
real NYC...not just aimed at the richies.

1:19 AM  |

Wednesday, January 7, 2004
Widow's Walk

I received an e-mail yesterday that touched me deeply:

I discovered The Dawn Patrol yesterday, and I love it!  I got there from the Kevin McCullough site. I've started a blog of my own, and yours was the first one I linked to it. Dawn, you never know what God has in store for you. 

Ten years ago I was a 33-year-old spinster. I fell in love with a longtime friend from another city, moved there, and married him. We were married for seven years and eleven days when I became a childless widow.   

During my occasional indulgences in self-pity, I wonder why God gave me Daniel only to take him away. I have known the joy (and heartbreak) of marriage and the gift of married love, and now it is gone. Sometimes I think it I would have been better off never having known what I am now very much missing.  But our faith tells us that God's reasons are best, even if we never know what they are.  May He continue to bless you.

Judie
What a testimony. One thought that occurs to me upon reading it is this: If this beautiful soul, who has been through so much. limits herself to only "occasional" indulgences in self-pity, surely I can cut down on my own.

Another thing Judie's story reminds me of is my bat-mitzvah Haftorah (reading from the prophets), Isaiah 54:

Sing, O barren, thou that didst not bear; break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child: for more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married wife, saith the Lord....

For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God.

For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee.

In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer.

For this is as the waters of Noah unto me: for as I have sworn that the waters of Noah should no more go over the earth; so have I sworn that I would not be wroth with thee, nor rebuke thee.

For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee.
Those words have more meaning for me with each passing year. I know that in their context, they refer to Israel: both physical Israel, which is the Jewish people and their homeland, and metaphysical Israel, which is the body of believers who have been spiritually grafted onto physical Israel. But I also claim these verses from Isaiah as a promise to me and everyone who longs for closeness to God and yet feels a barren space in their life.

God promises to fill our space—both now and in the future. He is telling us to enlarge our tent—not to make room for material blessings, as the Jabez book would have it, but in a spiritual way. The more room we make for God in our hearts and in every area of our lives, the more He will fill it. We only have to make it clear to ourselves and to God that the space is one that only He can fill—not the "empty, swept, and garnished" space of the man in Matthew 12, which was always at the disposal of an unclean spirit.

I myself find it quite easy to let unclean spirits pass through, in the form of snide and gossipy remarks, poison-pen e-mails, lustful fantasies, and pity parties. I'm thankful to Judie and other believers who encourage me, for reminding me that while God's way may seem difficult—going against the world as it does—it gives me strength and comfort beyond anything I could achieve outside the Lord. This is true regardless of whether I have no immediate material rewards from faith. The faith in God itself is its own reward, in a very real sense that goes beyond what any positive thinking could do. For faith is the substance of things not seen.

The "Roll" Truth ("N" Nothing But the Truth)

As promised, another Dawn Patrol exclusive, courtesy of our fave rave shang-a-lang Scheherazade, Alan Merrill. Today it's the story of "I Love Rock N Roll," which Alan originally recorded with his own group, the Arrows, as he explains:

"I Love Rock N Roll" took two days to write. The chorus came first. The verses the next day. It was not a quick write. It was labored upon very carefully.

The Arrows recording was quick, because our producer, Mickie Most, didn't like the song and he put it on the B-side of our single. EMI pressured him to flip it, but too late for any major promotion. It hovered around the U.K. Top 50 for a while on sales from radio play, but the distribution was really weak, it wasn't in the shops, and it dropped.

The chorus was about a fictitious song on the jukebox called "I Love Rock N Roll" that the kids whom I described in the verses loved—their favorite song. So for me, it was more than a little ironic when it became a massive hit. Fiction becomes real—Rod Serling-esque.

4:40 AM  |

Tuesday, January 6, 2004
CORRECTED—He Came, He Saw, He 'Left'

CORRECTION: I've corrected a couple of details of my introduction to Alan Merrill's piece, following information from him. He also just sent me the story behind the writing of his best-known song, which I will publish tomorrow.

As promised, today's feature is a fresh story about a Dawn Patrol fave: the Left Banke. Alan Merrill, who is currrently writing his memoirs, has generously agreed to share his recollections of auditioning for the legendary Sixties pop group.

Now, even if you're not into Sixties pop—if you've found this site through WMCA DJ Kevin McCullough (who featured a recent Dawn Patrol entry on sexual purity on his show yesterday)—there's a good reason to read Alan's story. It shows how, when we fail to attain something that we want very badly, God may have yet have prepared something far better for us.

Alan ends his story on a note of victory: After being rejected for a job that he wanted more than anything—membership in a successful rock band—he achieved success on his own, at a time when that band had broken up. But what he doesn't tell you is his even greater success, nearly 10 years after the Left Banke's rejection, when his song "I Love Rock N' Roll" became a massive worldwide hit for Joan Jett.

After over a decade of playing music, two days of songwriting changed his life forever. That song is like a child that will keep providing for him when he reaches his old age—especially if it keeps getting covered by megastars like Britney Spears (who did it on her 2001 smash Britney). And there's no telling if he'd have written it had he joined the Left Banke.

Alan's experience reminds me of all the times during the recent two-and-a-half years when I was seeking a full-time job, when I came so close to getting a job I really wanted, only to have it fall through. My faith was sorely tested then. It would seem like it was God's will for me to get a certain job; everything was falling into place. Then my boss-to-be would be hospitalized with brain cancer, or the paleoconservative editor of the magazine where I applied would tell me I had the wrong position on immigration, or I'd get my dream job doing publicity for World Trade Center oldies concerts and...you get the idea.

There were times when I felt stupid for thinking, "Well, maybe God has something better for me..." And there were many times when I would look at friends who had been out of work longer than me—who had been unemployed so long that they were practically unemployable, in need of job rehabilitation—and wonder if I would share their fate.

But when I look back at that period of my life, even though I know that the days went by at a snail's pace, in retrospect it seems to have gone past in a blink of an eye. I wouldn't want to go through those experiences again and yet, I understand now what I wouldn't have known then—that my life is so much the better for not having gotten what I wanted at the time I wanted it and in the way I wanted it.

James says, "Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts." Our lusts are temporary. Our needs are eternal. God won't necessarily grant the former, but He will certainly grant the latter in the fullness of time. The key to happiness is having the wisdom to discern the difference, as Reinhold Niebuhr wrote in his original, unabridged Serenity Prayer: "...Living one day at a time/Enjoying one moment at a time,/Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,/Taking, as Jesus did,/This sinful world as it is,/Not as I would have it,/Trusting that You will make all things right,/If I surrender to Your will,/So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,/And supremely happy with You forever in the next."

So, when making choices, look for the sign that point "One Way"...

Right on the Wrong Side of the Left Banke

By Alan Merrill

The Left Banke. Well, I auditioned for the band in spring 1968, with a cattle call of about 50 people with guitars in hand. I found out about it in a Village Voice ad, as it happens! It came down to two guys at the end of the auditions, Bob (then Robbie) Kulick and myself (pictured at left). Ironically Bob and I would play in the Meat Loaf lineup together years later, from 1986 to 1989.

The ad copy for the Left Banke auditions is probably still in the Village Voice archives. It would have been placed in the paper around the same week that the group's single "Dark Is The Bark" was released, somewhere in the early months of 1968.

The Left Banke's managers, Rubenstein and Ottenger, and [bass player] Tom Finn and [drummer] George Cameron picked me out of the bunch at a tiny midtown rehearsal room, and I was so happy. I had the edge over Kulick because I could sing harmony, essential to the Left Banke sound. I can remember Tom Finn throwing me a one-note vocal part on their massive hit, "Walk Away Renee." We did it in the key of A and my note was E, a drone all the way through the chorus.

Afterwards, I went to give a lesson to my guitar student Tony Sales [son of Soupy] that day after the audition, and he was sitting on the bed in his room with his girlfriend Nancy Allen when I got there. They were both very happy for me.

At the time, the Left Banke were still a famous band. It was a rather big
deal. What the band and the management didn't tell me was that they
actually hadn't decided whether or not to fire the current guitarist Rick Brand. Ah, the intrigue!

They never told me Rick hadn't been fired. They did tell me he was [allegedly] going to jail for pot possession and they needed to replace him. This was a half-truth, I would learn later. I rehearsed with Tom Finn at the Bryant Hotel and straightaway learned their current single, "Dark Is the Bark" and "My Friend Today." In a few days, I knew the group's entire first album and a few newer things written by Tom Feher that had been tailored for the band.

[Lead singer] Steve Martin [not the comedian] was distant all the time. He seemed a snob, very good-looking and self assured. He had a great voice, I knew that, and he had all the confidence to go with it.

I was never quite told that I didn't have the Left Banke job, but never
told that I did either. In fact, there was no real "job." No money ever changed hands. It was really just a series of free rehearsals I did with them at the Bryant Hotel.

Then I was told that manager Rubenstein was being drafted in to the army. This was factual as far as I know. He was truly being drafted into the army. The real truth was it was pure chaos.

The managers were simply not managing. I got close enough to the Left
Banke in those few short weeks to understand how a band so talented and gifted could be stalled and stagnant. It was a mess, top to bottom. The whole bunch of them, mad as canaries.

I went up to the office and wanted answers. When I got there Rick Brand was standing there talking to Billy Ottenger, one of the managers. He was talking as if he were still in the band. I waited a while, listening to the conversation, and then realized I had been "played."

I was furious. I stormed out of the offices and gathered my composure. I didn't want to make a scene in front of Brand. I realized then and there that he didn't know that auditions had taken place to remove him from the group. I then called Ottenger from my home and asked him what he was playing at. He lamely told me the band was breaking up. He said he was sorry. That was the end of it.

The Left Banke mess is clear to me now as a case of the blind leading blind, but at 17 years of age I was pretty upset at them playing with me like a cat plays with catnip. I didn't know that they were all quite insane. To me they were successful, so I thought they must be professional. That was not the case, at least in their dealings with me.

They never replaced Brand, carrying on to do the 1968 release Left Banke Too essentially as a vocal trio augmented in the studio by session players. The album is a really fine work, but it was the last really significant musical work they'd do as a band.

In the end, I got so disgusted with the Left Banke that I decided to leave New York entirely in the summer of '68 and join my mom (she had remarried a UPI senior vice president based in Tokyo) who had been residing in Japan already for about a year.

It was a decision that would change my life in a very positive way. I had been living on my own in New York at 41 West 72nd Street [near Central Park and the famed Dakota], enjoying the freedom that any teen would with my own place, paid for, with no parental restrictions. Still, the Left Banke experience was the last straw. I had to get away, far away. Japan seeemed just about far enough. New York suddenly looked gray and held no promise, at least in my teen-angst mindset.

By the winter of 1968, I had formed a band in Japan called the Lead, and we had a chart hit single, "Aoi Bara (Blue Rose)" on RCA Victor records. By mid-1969, I went solo and had a successful run as a Japan-based, domestic-market pop star. I had left the Left Banke situation behind me, and buried my anger about what had happened.

About two or three years later, I went to Tom and Margaret Finn's newly
opened Ice Cream Parlor on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Finn had
become the proprietor of a popular and trendy place. I was on holiday from my work in Japan, visiting relatives and friends in New York.

Finn's then-wife Margaret greeted me warmly, remembering me from my rehearsals with Finn at the Bryant a few years prior. Finn however looked down his nose at me with flip arrogance and said, nearly sneering, "I thought you went to Japan."

I replied "I did, I'm signed as a solo artist to Atlantic Records there."

He looked shocked and speechless. I was pleased.


* * *

FURTHER READING: The Japanese archive Cutie Morning Moon (written in perfect Engrish) has a highly informative piece on Alan Merrill's Sixties garage-band years that includes rare and evocative photos.

12:49 AM  |

Monday, January 5, 2004
'Return' Engagement

If you don't like puns, but like personal musings on faith and singlehood, please scroll down one post.

If you don't like puns, but like—no, love—rock and roll, please scroll down three posts.

If you like puns, here is your Monday-morning groaner:

Last night, I had to write a banner headline for a newspaper story about how the latest "Lord of the Rings" film is the top-grossing film in the country for the third straight week. The challenge was to compose a headline that no one else had used before.

I wrote, "RETURN OF THE KA-CHING".

* * *

Special Dawn Patrol Tease: Tomorrow's post will include a detailed, never-before-published account of a musician's experience auditioning for and rehearsing with a certain Sixties pop band—one that's near and dear to the hearts of many readers of this blog. Watch this space...

1:46 AM  |

'Ster-ing Things Up

Yesterday I received an e-mail of support from a woman in her 60s who liked my post on sexual purity. In the midst of praising what I wrote, she writes, "You are probably correct in your surmise that at 35, with the other qualifications you mention, that you may end up a 'spinster.'"

Yikes!

I also heard from a male pen pal in his 50s who married relatively late in life. He asked if I was doing everything I could to find a husband and asserted that I might have to give something up in order to succeed. (My response was yes and no way: I've already given up everything I need to give up for that lofty goal—with the notable exception of snobbery.)

I see these two people, each of whom approached me as a fellow Christian and each of whom truly wanted to help and encourage me, as representing two sides of the same coin. And that coin is the currency of many people both within and without the faith who strive to reconcile the world with their own desires.

It's discomfort in the face of uncertainty.

Nobody likes uncertainty. Uncertainty is hell. People become cynical so they won't have to live with the possibility that each day they might win or lose. They'd rather lose—and be certain of it. Likewise, people make poor decisions—from choosing the wrong suit, to the wrong job, to the wrong spouse—just to get the decision-making process over with.

I know that there are times when one really does have to make a decision, whether or not the available options are ideal, just for the sake of moving on. But I also know—contrary to the woman who recommends I get used to the idea of permanent spinsterhood—that having an attainable goal, for which I'm willing to wait, is far preferable to choosing something contrary to what I strongly believe God wants for me.

In 1966, after my mother miscarried what would have been her second child, she stopped having periods. Her doctor told her she was infertile.

I have never asked my mother and father about that time in their lives, but I'm sure that, especially for my mother, it must have been devastating. I know my mother carried in her heart the hope that one day my sister would have a baby sister or brother to play with. But it would have been natural for a well-meaning friend to tell my mother she should get used to the idea that she might never have another child.

It makes me cry as I write this to think of the hope that must have been in my mother's heart on the morning, perhaps 36 years ago this week, when she went to the doctor and said, "I think I'm pregnant." And the way her heart must have sank when the doctor laughed in her face—"No, you're not"—and sent her home.

Mom had to go back a week or two later and insist on a pregnancy test. I was born that September—after my mother had lived with her infertility diagnosis for two years. I am, literally, a child of hope.
12:25 AM  |

Sunday, January 4, 2004





My beloved sister (left) and me inside Gramercy Park on New Year's Day. How did we get into that private park, you ask? My Chanukah present to my sister was a night at the Gramercy Park Hotel—with me, of course. (What a difference a full-time job makes—last year, I gave her a CD.) It was a lovely place and I was happy for the opportunity to spend some special time with my sis.

1:42 AM  |

Saturday, January 3, 2004
Arrows By Any Other Name

Every so often, I get an e-mail that makes me feel famous, like a rock star. Someone I think is cool—a creative spirit I admire from afar—unexpectedly fires a missive in my direction. I had one of those moments two days ago when I found in my e-mailbox a personal New Year's greeting from Alan Merrill.

The son of jazz saxophonist/clarinetist Aaron Sachs and singer Helen Merrill, Alan is best known as the co-author of one of the few truly iconic songs of the Seventies: the Joan Jett smash "I Love Rock N' Roll".

As an artist, Merrill was a teen idol in Japan (his Web site has some wonderful photos of him from that era, including a "Separated at Birth" magazine piece on him and Peter Frampton) and a post-teen idol in England with the Arrows. That group had a U.K. smash with the original "I Love Rock 'N' Roll," as well as other hits and their own TV show.

I met Merrill once, in 1990, at a party at the apartment of his then-collaborators Jon and Sally Tiven. I remember we talked about our mutual love of Sixties pop, and he told me a little about his career. I didn't know it at that time, as I didn't have a TV (still don't), but he had recently finished shooting HBO's "Encyclopedia Brown" series, on which he played—what else?—a rock star.

What I remember about Merrill—other than that he was a good-looking guy (he still is)—was that he had a real-person vibe that made him stand out from even the nicer music-biz types at the party. Musicians, like actors (and, if you must, journalists), are notoriously vain. They have difficulty praising anything other than their own work or whatever the arbiters of taste deem hip. Alan was able to talk about music from the perspective of a fan. He enjoyed it with knowledge and passion—one could imagine him running out to a record store to track down some Gene Pitney B-side he'd heard on a college-radio station at 2 a.m. (Surfing the Web last night, I wasn't surprised to discover he recently made an entire album of his favorite songs by the great R&B/rock tunesmiths Arthur Alexander and Otis Blackwell.)

It's not so surprising that I'd remember meeting Alan. After all, it's not every day that one meets the author of "I Love Rock N' Roll." But the fact that he remembered me—yeah, me—and sent good wishes for 2004, got my year off to a rocking and rolling start. God willing, it won't turn into a rocky road.
11:57 PM  |

Pure Imagination

The saying goes that those who talk about sex the most don't actually have it. Is that also true for those who talk about sexual purity?

I was feeling envious today of a fellow Christian woman who's younger than me, because she plans to stay a virgin until marriage and I really think she can do it.

The envy—which is itself not something of which I'm proud (that would add pride to the mix, and then four or five more sins to go, but who's counting?)—stemmed from more than just a wish that I'd waited. It stemmed from the realization that, as far as I can remember, I have never been sexually pure. Even when I was a virgin, I wasn't sexually pure. That is a painful thought.

Although I wasn't brought up in a religion known for its sexual guilt (you don't see a lot of Reform Jews going to confession—not to confess sins of lust, anyway), somehow, from an early age, I had a sense that sex without love was wrong. Perhaps I got this from my parents, who married for love (even though they split when I was five), particularly my mother, who brought me up and instilled me with a strong sense of ethics in every area of life.

One of my earliest memories of frank sex talk was when I was a preteen and was talking to an older female friend whom I thought was promiscuous. It really bothered me because I thought she was getting hurt. Trying to get a reaction from her, I asked her in my childish way, wasn't she a whore?

Naturally, she was greatly offended. She proceeded to explain to me that she was not a whore...because whores charged money and she didn't.

The bizarreness of that distinction has stayed with me my entire life. That is the difference between a whore and Sarah Jessica Parker's Carrie Bradshaw of "Sex and the City." That is the difference between a whore and Paris Hilton. That is the difference between a whore and me at various times in my life. Whores charge money. We don't. That's all.

What that conversation taught me was that people who have serial sex partners detach. They may be looking for love all the while, but they can't focus all their love on one person. If they did that, they'd have no feelings left to enable them to pick up the pieces and move immediately on to the next one. So they may try to be loving, but all the while, they keep their real love in reserve for the one who'll stay. Except that, because they don't allow themselves to be vulnerable in a relationship, no one is motivated to stay with them.

That was me for part of my life. I also went through the pathology's twin extremes: obsessive romance, which was putting my entire self into the other person's image of me, and utter detachment, which was physical involvement for its own sake. But even then, I could never detach myself completely.

To me, sexual purity doesn't have to mean virginity. But for two people in a love relationship—and, if we're going to get biblical here, I really mean a marital one—it means having sex for no other reason than to share that love and to enjoy the entire range sensations that God has granted as part of this emotional, spiritual, and physical union.

Sitting here in my apartment at 2:03 a.m. on a Saturday, I don't feel particularly close to attaining that sort of purity in deed or in thought. A male friend of mine who reads this blog refers to my lack of a boyfriend as the proverbial elephant in the middle of The Dawn Patrol. Of course, he's right; I have a wonderful job, wonderful friends and family, and everything else I could want in life.

The interesting part is, despite the loneliness—which on some level is with me all the time—I don't feel bitter.

God doesn't promise to take away all our problems if we believe in Him. He does promise to take away our bitterness. This is part of the meaning of Paul's cry, "O death, where is thy sting?" With God, even where there is pain, it does not hurt the way it does without Him. It's not just that one is comforted in thoughts of faith. God works through our faith to turn bitterness into something different and infinitely more bearable.

My past experience with depression leads me to strongly identify with these words from Isaiah 38:

Lord, by these things men live;
And in all these things is the life of my spirit;
So You will restore me and make me live.
Indeed it was for my own peace
That I had great bitterness;
But You have lovingly delivered my soul from the pit of corruption,
For You have cast all my sins behind Your back.
For Sheol [the grave] cannot thank You,
Death cannot praise You;
Those who go down to the pit cannot hope for Your truth.
That last means to me that part of being alive in the Lord is keeping up hope, and my hope has to be in His truth—not the truth of the world.

The world tells me that, at 35, I'm too old; I'm too picky; I read too many books; I have too many emotional hangups that years of therapy didn't cure; and, worst of all, I have this wacko extremist ultra-dogmatic closed-minded faith in something that can't be seen: faith which makes me see a world of good vs. evil, rather than the "real" world where truth is relative and the very concept of good opposing evil is offensive. In short, the world's truth tells me that I am doomed to be a spinster—and, worse, one who's so archaic as to actually use the word "spinster."

But my hope is for God's truth, and God says, in the words of Isaiah 52: "Ye have sold yourselves for nought; and ye shall be redeemed without money....Depart ye, depart ye, go ye out from thence, touch no unclean thing; go ye out of the midst of her [the land of captivity]; be ye clean, that bear the vessels of the Lord."

That is what purity means. It's not returning to one's lost virginity. It's being transformed from a captive of godless people in a sinful land, to a new and pure creation serving the Lord in joy.

I am thankful that the Lord is helping and inspiring that young Christian woman to preserve herself for her future husband. And I am thankful that every day He is renewing me, giving me more opportunities to learn His wisdom and better comprehend the gift of purity that he has already given me and all who believe on Him.
1:12 AM  |

Thursday, January 1, 2004

Spending first day and night of New Year with sis—will blog tomorrow.

Today is my beloved Grandma Jessie's birthday. She would have been 92. She loved Gilbert and Sullivan, Mary Pickford and Douglas Fairbanks, and, not least, her entire family, including her brother Reggie and her sister Alma. (And me too.) I miss her very much.
2:42 PM  |



 
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