Sunday, August 26, 2007

Edwards: I'm 'personally opposed' to poverty

A guest satire by HENRIETTA G. TAVISH

Special to The Dawn Patrol

WASHINGTON, August 27 -- Addressing reports that over half of his $30 million fortune is invested in rapacious subprime lenders who are foreclosing on the homes of already-devastated hurricane Katrina victims, Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards yesterday reiterated his "strong personal opposition" to poverty.

"I have dedicated my entire life to not being poor," said the former North Carolina Senator. He stated that he "absolutely hates" the idea of lacking money and would never choose a destitute existence for himself or his family.

The campaign quickly moved, however, to quell fears that the comments signaled a willingness to impose the candidate's individual financial preferences upon others. "I would never deprive an unsophisticated, unqualified borrower of the right to choose a subprime mortgage with a 6.5% teaser rate which rapidly escalates to 32.99% plus a $120,000 balloon payment after three months," Mr. Edwards later insisted. "Some seek abject poverty and resent regulatory efforts to take away their Constitutionally guaranteed right to sacrifice their most precious asset to a profit-driven hedge fund."

Edwards' position echoed recent statements by Repubican aspirant Rudolph Giuliani regarding his hatred for abortion, a procedure he politically and financially supports. Edwards asserted that his distaste for the procedure exceeds Giuliani's, noting that his campaign employs former NARAL Pro-Choice head Kate Michelman as a senior adviser.