Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Planned Parenthood Offers Free Abortions to Miners' Widows
A Satire by The Raving Atheist

Tallmansville, W.Va., January 10, 2006
Special to The Unaborted Atheist

Continuing its policy of compassion to disaster victims, Planned Parenthood is offering free abortions to the widows of the twelve men who died following an explosion at the Sago Mine in Tallmansville, West Virginia.

Together with the National Abortion Federation, Planned Parenthood made similar offers to the victims of the 9/11 terrorist attacks and the evacuees of Hurricane Katrina.

A Planned Parenthood spokeswoman noted that access to reproductive services is especially important to those families whose sole income came from mining employment. "The financial pressures occasioned by the loss of the primary wage-earner should not be compounded by the burden of another child," said Gloria Michels. "In this time of tragedy, we respect the need of women to make the right choice to bring closure to economically unfeasible pregnancies."

Michels dismissed critics who questioned the sensitivity of the abortion program. "We understand the confusion of women who might imagine a resemblance to a departed spouse in an ultrasound of a second trimester fetus," she said. "We will not attempt to unfairly influence their decisions by subjecting them to misleading three-dimensional images of the products of conception."

The organization also announced it would provide reduced-cost contraception to the widows who are not pregnant. "The termination of a monogamous marital union does not eliminate a woman's basic human needs," said Michels. "While we honor those who might defer their physical comfort for a number of weeks, we also respect those who choose to seek immediate relief in the wake of this catastrophe."

Confidential counseling and reproductive services will also be made available to the daughters of the deceased miners. "Young women between the ages of 11 and 17 often find it difficult to confide in a parent, particularly a grieving parent," said Michel. "Whether making the difficult decision to abort a grandchild or avoiding sexually transmitted diseases at a petting zoo, our unbiased counselors are here to help."